


My Heart In Your Hands

by LilacBrown889



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - No COVID-19, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, after taoluris leave, except kris but hes canadian, hes also kinda an asshole, just no one says anything about their feelings, no seriously like so much pining, srry kris
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23882701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilacBrown889/pseuds/LilacBrown889
Summary: Luhan loves his life as an idol and the freedom he's gained since leaving EXO is priceless. Still, solo really does mean solo now, and the loneliness is starting to get to him. Luckily he has Sehun to call every night...right?
Relationships: Huang Zi Tao | Z.Tao/Wu Yi Fan | Kris, Lu Han/Oh Sehun, Lu Han/Wu Yi Fan | Kris, Lu Han/Zhang Yi Xing | Lay
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This may not seem like it for a while but this story is endgame XingHan, not HunHan. I honestly started this bcuz 1. China-line doesn't get nearly enough fic representation and 2. I love Yixing dearly and especially soft!Yixing. We stan emotionally mature kings. Ok, enjoy!

It was late at night, maybe 2 or 3 in the morning when Luhan first realized. 

He had only been awake because he was waiting for Sehun, and Sehun was only still up because he had stayed late, again, at dance practice. EXO, or what remained of the group anyhow, were preparing for their next album with a planned MV shooting in less than a week, and these days it seemed all Sehun did was eat, sleep, and practice. Still, from 1 to 3 am, Luhan could count on Sehun to call him.

That night was seemingly no different than any other. After spending the better part of a half-hour brushing up on his Korean studies and almost unconsciously checking his computer’s screen, he finally saw the little green dot appear next to Sehun’s username. Soon enough, the notification that <Oh.Sehun> was typing popped up, and once Luhan confirmed he was ready, the call came through. 

“Hello?” 

Luhan smiled as the familiar calm that Sehun’s voice brought washed over him. “Hey, Sehun,” he replied. “Video call?” 

“Sure, hyung, just a sec.” There was a faint rustling, and then Sehun’s form blinked into view on Luhan’s computer screen, and Luhan’s smile widened so much he thought his face might split. 

He was wearing a simple white t-shirt, his hair half-dry from a shower. Even though he had no makeup on, leftover acne scars clearly visible in the dimly lit dorm room, Luhan thought he still looked breathtaking. A muffled knock on the door had Sehun turning away, and his face was outlined for a brief moment by the one lamp in his room, and Luhan couldn’t contain the soft sound of realization that fell from his lips. 

At that moment, he had known.

Realistically, he had probably fallen in love with Sehun long before that night and just hadn’t noticed. Luhan was usually one of the last people to know when he liked someone. Even so, he always remembered this as the actual moment of realization. 

“Hyung? You alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit tired-” Sehun’s face tightened slightly with worry. 

“Actually I’m not tired at all,” rambled Luhan, grinning. “In fact, I’m so full of energy right now, I could probably run two marathons before I even felt out of breath.”

Sehun was smiling now as well, all too familiar with this line of conversation. “Mmhmm, and that’s why the bags under your eyes are about three shades darker than the last time I saw you?” 

Luhan nodded, shaking his hair from his eyes. “Exactly! I’m glad you noticed. A result of all the sleep I’ve been getting, you see.”

Sehun’s smile widened, and Luhan pushed his newfound feelings into the depths of his mind, relaxing into the familiar routine their calls often followed.

*** 

It took until the next night for Luhan to have enough time and energy to really think about the repercussions of what he had realized. As usual, the moment Sehun hung up he had all but passed out, and his schedule these days was so full he barely had time to eat. It was only at night that he got a bit of peace and quiet. 

He knew it would be extremely difficult for him to tell Sehun out loud that he liked him. Luhan’s insecurities had been heightened in the years following his departure from EXO, to the point where even with his closest friends he still felt as though his presence was merely tolerated. As a result, he was terrified to ask the younger man for even small favors for fear of pushing him away. He still felt anxious before asking Sehun to video call, much less burdening him with these feelings towards him. 

It was all too likely that Sehun already knew, or at the very least had deep suspicions that Luhan liked him. He always seemed to know more about things like this than he let on, and as Luhan well knew from prior experiences, he was terrible at keeping his emotions to himself. He was especially bad at hiding his emotions from Sehun; the maknae seemed to possess the ability to read Luhan’s mind. Still, even if Sehun already did know, bringing it up would force them both to actually acknowledge it. 

‘Listen,’ said the Sehun in Luhan’s mind. ‘I’m flattered and all, but this really makes it awkward, doesn’t it?’

Even in his imagination, Sehun nervously messing with his hair gave Luhan butterflies. 

‘I don’t want to talk to you anymore, it’s too awkward.’ Luhan’s heart sank. No, Sehun wouldn’t phrase it like that. He would never want to hurt anyone’s feelings… 

‘I think we should stop calling for a bit, just until I get used to it,’ maybe, or a less direct ‘I’m a bit tired tonight, hyung, maybe we can talk about this later?’

Luhan covered his face with his pillow, closing his eyes tightly against the unhappy thought. Sometimes, it seemed Sehun was the only thing keeping Luhan grounded as if without him he would just float off into space. Calling with Sehun was always the highlight of his day. To give that up, just over some silly feelings…

All things considered, it was probably better to just ignore the problem. 

***

The days passed slowly after that. Throughout the next few weeks, every day seemed to go on forever, and the only time when Luhan was content got shorter every night. 

Luckily for Luhan’s indecision, he found himself relaxing into a comfortable state with Sehun. He had had an unrequited crush on a girl he was friends with years ago, and it was a familiar feeling. Without Sehun knowing there was less pressure, and he could simply enjoy his limited time with Sehun as it was. 

“Mr. Lu?”

Luhan sighed internally. Although he spent most of his day with his manager, the older man refused to drop formalities. “Yes, Mr. Wang?” 

“We need to decide on your participation in this variety show, preferably by this Saturday. They want to start filming by September. Also, your photoshoot for the album art has been moved to tomorrow, does that work?” 

Luhan bit his lower lip. “Ehh, yeah that should work.”

“Perfect, alright that’s everything for today. Do you need me for anything else tonight, Mr. Lu?”

“No no, you’ve done well. Thank you, and have a safe drive home.”

The moment Luhan heard the car pull away, his shoulders relaxed for the first time that day. It was nice, knowing that his solo career was well underway, between sorting through prospective scripts, filming for his current drama, preparing for his first album release, and recording potential music for the next year. His hectic working life left little room for worries, regrets, and sadness. There wasn’t enough time to mourn the loss of his group members or rejoice over the freedom he now possessed. Life was nothing more than event after event, and Luhan lived for it. 

Luhan wandered towards his small kitchen, which was really nothing more than a couple of counters and a refrigerator. The cool stone tiles sent a chill up his legs, and he shivered instinctively. The clock on the wall said 23:06. Two hours until Sehun would be online. Sighing, Luhan grabbed a soda from the refrigerator and went to his bed. It had been a while since he had a moment to himself. He didn’t really know what to do. The silence of his apartment buzzed in his ears. 

The last time it had been this quiet, it was after Luhan told Sehun he was leaving EXO. 

Sehun had sat on the bed next to him in their cramped hotel room, staring out at the golden city lights. Luhan’s throat had been glued shut with all the words he wanted to say, but couldn’t. There wasn’t really much he could do. That was the first time he had ever felt his heart truly break, pain chilling his chest as he watched Sehun blink back tears. He had been dreading the younger’s anger, but now he wished Sehun was yelling at him, cursing him out, anything besides this awful silence. 

“If it makes you happy, hyung, then it will be good.” Sehun’s voice was low, wavering, and Luhan wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Luhan or himself. They had remained sitting in that awful silence for the rest of the night, side by side on the still-made bed covers, watching as the bright lights of the city were replaced by the cold grey wash of morning. 

Only a week later, Luhan had announced his departure from EXO to the rest of the world. 

Luhan was startled out of his reminiscing by a notification from his computer. He frowned, leaning off of his bed to read it. It was still too early for Sehun to text him, and no one else would contact him this late. 

_ Hey, is this still your account? - Wu Yifan _

Luhan felt blood rush to his ears. He hadn’t heard from Yifan in months…

_ It’s alright if you don’t want to talk, but I was just wondering how you’re doing. I know your solo career is going well, but I also know how lonely it can be after being in a group. If you ever want to talk, I’ll be here. - Wu Yifan _

Slowly, very slowly, Luhan pulled his computer off of his desk to rest on his legs. What could Yifan possibly want from him? The last few times he had seen Yifan were on the red carpet, a glance and nod as they passed, and the time before that was a haze of anger and sadness and indecision, as Yifan begged Luhan to leave with him. 

The green circle next to Yifan’s name faded to grey, and Luhan could breathe again. 

Talking with Yifan would be nice, he supposed. He knew most of his fans loved it when they interacted. Still, even only talking to Sehun for an hour or two each night was more than enough for Luhan. Trying to juggle any more of a social life with his packed schedule just wasn’t feasible. Besides, Yifan had an equally busy schedule. The chances of them being able to talk on a regular basis were slim to none. It would be more reasonable to just not respond, and let Yifan’s message fade into oblivion. 

At least, that’s what Luhan told himself was the reason he ignored it, closing his computer and pushing it away from him. Memories of cold nights tangled together in their tiny dorm in Seoul, when EXO didn’t have a name yet and they waited for the best years of their life to start, fill Luhan’s mind unheeded. Although it had been years since then, Luhan missed it from time to time. The stability of knowing Yifan would always be there with comfort and affection was something sorely lacking in Luhan’s present life. Some nights, when Sehun is flying around the world and Luhan is watching his window slowly lighten, he longs for the familiar feeling of Yifan’s arms around him, his warmth at Luhan’s side. 

It has been years since anyone has held him. A chill travels down Luhan’s back as he wraps himself tight in his blanket, and shuts his eyes as hard as he can. He has only an hour until Sehun calls. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello children! I'm popping in just to give a sort of disclaimer: the story will probably make more sense if you have background knowledge on EXO's history, as the story assumes the reader is already aware of EXO's history. Feel free to skip, here's a timeline of relevant events:
> 
> 2012, April. EXO debuts in EXO-K and EXO-M. EXO-M promotes in China.  
> 2013\. EXO promote the next album as 12, not separated into EXO-M and EXO-K  
> 2014\. EXO promote the next album split M and K again.  
> May. Kris files a lawsuit and leaves.  
> October. Luhan files a lawsuit and leaves.  
> 2015\. Tao stops promoting with EXO due to injuries.  
> August. Tao files a lawsuit and leaves  
> 2017, June. Lay stops promoting with EXO to pursue a solo career. He is still in the group and occasionally participates in albums.  
> 2018\. Lay is the presenter for the first 2 seasons of Idol Producer  
> 2019\. Xiumin and D.O are the first to enter their military service.  
> 2020\. Tao and Luhan are both mentors on Produce 2020.  
> April. Kris and Luhan release "Coffee", a collaboration single.  
> Luhan posts a TikTok of him and Tao on Weibo and later Instagram
> 
> The rest is inaccurate to real life because I don't know what happens in the future. Hope this helps :)


	2. Chapter 2

It only takes a week for Luhan to break. Sehun is flying to America or Europe, somewhere far away, and the ever-present loneliness is cutting into Luhan’s mind, and maybe hope wasn’t as poisonous as he had thought.

_ Hi. - Luhan _

Luhan breathes in deeply. Regrets are useless, and what’s done is done. He closes the window and tries to continue working on a new song. 

About ten minutes later, his computer pings. 

_ Hey, how have you been? - Wu Yifan _

***

It’s strange how easily you can fall into a routine. In less than a week the anxious, sullen Wu Yifan he used to know becomes Kris, confident, and excited about the future, and their texts fly back and forth even more often than before. Although Luhan still looks forward to calling Sehun every night, when a fan proposes or his manager is being overly formal again Luhan’s first thought is to text Kris about it. He isn’t sure if this is because Kris responds faster than Sehun’s schedule would ever allow him or if he genuinely enjoys Kris’ company more. Maybe it’s a mix of both, or maybe Luhan is so starved for social interaction that he’ll take any little hint of it he can. 

Still, despite spending more and more time talking to Kris, Luhan can’t help his dependence on Sehun. It’s become ingrained in him. He can feel Kris frowning late at night when he shuts down their conversations so abruptly that he cuts off his own sentences. Even though he doesn’t give further explanation, they both know it’s because Sehun is calling. 

Sehun, for his part, is genuinely happy that Luhan and Kris have reunited. “This is great, hyung! I always hoped you two would get in touch again.”

Luhan smiles, hiding the twinge of disappointment that Sehun has shown no sign of jealousy at his rekindled friendship. “It’s nice to be talking with him again.”

Sehun smiles back that sweet, soft smile, and Luhan lets go of all of his doubts and worries, just for a moment. Merely being in Sehun’s presence is enough for him; to ask for more would be greedy. That Sehun talks to him at all is a blessing after everything that has happened. 

When Kris realizes that Luhan hasn’t told Sehun how he feels yet, his first question is a demanding “Why?” Luhan learned early on that showing weakness to Kris is never productive. One of his most admirable attributes is his almost obsessive need to fix any problem he comes across. However, that also manifests itself in incessant nagging, as he tries to patch up Luhan’s insecurities of many years in a few short months. 

_ Why don’t you tell him how you feel? What’s the worst that could happen? - Kris _

Even as he reads the words, hundreds of scenarios fill Luhan’s head. He is painfully aware at every moment how easy it would be for Sehun to cut him off, all in the blink of an eye. So far away, with no contact besides a couple of hours each night, all it would take is a few days of ignored texts and calls before it would be like they were never friends at all. 

It’s a risk he just isn’t willing to take. Sehun is far too precious to lose, and to lose him due to Luhan’s own stupidity would be doubly heartbreaking. So many things could go wrong. 

Kris can only wait a week after realizing that Luhan likes Sehun before taking matters into his own hands. He somehow gets a hold of Sehun’s IM, and days before Luhan even realizes what’s going on they are already talking regularly. He’s calling Sehun one night, as usual, when Sehun offhandedly mentions that “Kris-hyung says you aren’t getting enough sleep, pabo,” and Luhan’s world crashes down for a split second. 

“Does he?” asks Luhan, recovering quickly. “What a snitch.” 

Sehun’s face scrunches beautifully and Luhan can’t help smiling back. He can’t help thinking that this; this warm, golden glowing feeling that Sehun brings him; is what heaven feels like. 

Sehun and Kris continue to keep in touch. Luhan knows this from the little snippets of conversation that get filtered through to him, casual mentions of “Kris-hyung says” and “Sehun told me” that eat away at Luhan’s insides in a way he’d rather not think about. The whole situation is bizarre, and Luhan isn’t quite sure how to deal with it. It’s not like they never talked before, but it’s still a strange feeling knowing your ex and your crush are talking to each other this often.

Like most things he doesn’t know how to deal with, Luhan opts to ignore it. Nothing has really changed, for Luhan at least. Sehun calls almost every night, Kris texts him during the day, and life goes on. 

That is, until Kris decides to completely upset the tentative balance they've been in. 

"He doesn’t even know you like guys?!?" 

Luhan frowns at this. "I never told him, yeah." 

Kris throws up his hands and the camera freezes for a split second, highlighting his exasperation. "How is that even possible? He’s your best friend, Luhan. Your  _ gay  _ best friend. You  _ have  _ to tell him." 

"I'm  _ not _ going to talk to him about this!" Luhan feels his face heat up for the first time in months. 

Kris purses his lips but drops the subject. Still, the stubborn set of Kris' mouth worries Luhan, although he doesn’t bring it up again. 

Not bringing it up, as it turns out, may have been a mistake. That night, instead of the usual "Call?" text that comes from Sehun there is only a distracted "Sorry, hyung, busy."

Luhan stares at the green dots next to Kris' and Sehun’s names and tries not to think about it. Even with no solid proof, his gut feeling is telling him that they are talking right now, talking about something he'd rather not remember. 

Later, despite the exhaustion that has been settled into his bones since his trainee days, he can't seem to fall asleep. The light of the streetlamp outside shining through his window blinks off and he realizes it's already morning. 

It's a full week before Sehun calls him again. 

Luhan has been waiting for and dreading this every minute of that week, and his heart is beating so fast he can feel it deep in his gut as he accepts the incoming call. 

Seeing Sehun still makes Luhan feel happy, but this time it's twisted with the feeling that something is about to go very wrong. 

"How have you been, hyung? It's been a while, yeah?" 

Luhan tries to smile again. "Yeah, it's been a while. I'm doing alright." There is so much more he wants to say but he doesn't even know how to start. 

Sehun smiles. It's a strained smile though, and the dimple that usually appears on his right cheek isn't there. 

They sit in silence for a while. Unlike the usual, comforting silence, this feels weighted. It is Sehun who finally breaks it. 

"Kris told me you dated him." 

There it is. Out in the open, where Luhan can't avoid acknowledging it any longer. 

“I-”

“Hyung, Luhan, why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I would mind? Did you not think that knowing my best friend was  _ also _ gay would’ve been, oh I don’t know, comforting? Helpful? Nice to know?”

Luhan’s heart sinks. It’s what he was afraid of, then. He doesn’t know how to proceed. What can he say, at this point? There’s nothing he can say that would make anything better. 

“I just-” Sehun’s voice breaks, and he turns away from the camera, head down. Luhan feels an ache in his chest begin to grow. Gritting his teeth, he pushes the feeling away. He doesn’t get to be sad, not about this. Not while Sehun’s body is shaking in front of him, a thousand kilometers away, and it’s no one’s fault but his own. 

Luhan’s throat is tight now, but he tries to clear it. “Sehun, I’m sorry.”

Sehun looks up, and his red, tear-stained face makes Luhan clench his hands into fists. “I felt so alone, hyung. I…” 

The buzz of Luhan’s heater fills the silence. 

“I thought I was alone. You know how many nights I cried myself to sleep! You were there! And you never once thought to tell me? I didn’t need to know?”

“I know, I know, I should’ve told you years ago!” Luhan’s head spins, and his vision begins to go fuzzy. Sehun grows blurry and distorted on his bright computer screen and Luhan takes deep breaths until he can lift his hands to brush the tears away without shaking.

Sehun looks at him directly for the first time. “Why, Luhan? Why didn’t you tell me? You obviously felt you could tell  _ Yifan _ of all people. God, Luhan. I had to hear this from  _ Yifan. _ ”

The venom in Sehun’s voice bothers Luhan, but that thought is gone before it can even fully form. “It never felt like the right time. I didn’t want to make it about me, you were suffering so much... And afterward, when I left the group, I-” He hesitated. 

_ I didn’t want to hurt you even more. _

“You what, hyung? Didn’t think it mattered anymore? I wouldn’t care anymore? Are we not best friends?” Sehun’s voice cracks at the last word, and he falls silent, looking determinedly away from the camera. 

“No, Sehunnie, I-” Luhan’s voice fails again, and he gazes at Sehun helplessly. Sehun is breathing heavily, but he isn’t talking anymore, just staring back at Luhan in silence. His eyes beg Luhan to say something, anything, that will justify this and make everything better somehow. Luhan can’t tell him that there might be something that makes him understand. 

The silence between them stretches on. Sehun’s breathing quiets, and his gaze begins to cool. Luhan feels the distance stretching between them more acutely than he ever has. It is a sharp pain in his chest and a bone-deep ache that reaches from his fingertips to his toes. 

“I thought we told each other everything, Luhannie. I thought we agreed: no secrets.”

“I’m sorry, Sehun. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you and I’m sorry you had to hear it from Yifan. I should’ve told you-”

“You’re right, hyung.” Sehun’s voice is quiet, so soft Luhan strains to catch all the words. Sehun looks down for a second, and Luhan waits, dreading what will come next.

When Sehun raises his head again, his eyes aren’t the ones Luhan has been in love with for almost a decade. They are the cold, distant eyes that stare down an overbearing manager, the ones that warn fans not to get too close at the airport. Luhan has always been in awe of this side of Sehun, and he shivers unconsciously. He never thought he'd see that gaze turned on him.

“You should’ve told me. You’re right, hyung,” Sehun says again, but this time his voice is louder. “But the present is no time for regrets of the past. Time marches on, right, hyung?” 

Luhan holds his breath, not daring to move a muscle as Sehun throws his own words against him. Those were the words he used to comfort Sehun years ago, words he still repeats to himself daily. He can feel his heartbeat in his fingertips, pressed against the side of his chair as tightly as possible. His chest throbs painfully in rhythm.

“I’ll see you around, Luhan.” Sehun pauses, raising his eyebrows, almost like he’s giving Luhan one more chance. Luhan begs Sehun with his eyes.  _ Please, stay with me. I need you. I don’t know how to live in a world without you anymore.  _

Sehun reaches towards the camera, and before Luhan can process what is happening, his screen goes black. 

Luhan lets go of his breath. He hugs his knees to his chest and the tears fall down. 


	3. Chapter 3

They still talk after that, but something has shifted. Sehun calls every other night now, or maybe every 3 nights if his schedule is busier than usual. Luhan can feel him hesitate once in a while, and there are holes in the stories he tells about his day. Luhan doesn’t bring it up, of course. He doesn’t have the right. 

If he had confessed, right then and there, would it have helped? Would Sehun have understood? He hasn’t spoken to Kris since before Sehun stopped talking to him. Do Sehun and Kris still talk? Somehow, remembering the way Sehun viciously spat out his name, he really doubts it.

Sehun distances himself in a calculated way; he always has. It’s never a full, abrupt cut-off. There is nothing to confront him about. They still talk regularly, exchanging stories about their days, but their calls seem shorter every time. There is no confrontation, not even a passive-aggressive remark here and there. To an outsider, it would appear as though everything had stayed the same. 

Still, Luhan knows exactly what’s happening. He’s seen it done before. Years ago, Sehun and another trainee had fought. About what, Luhan didn’t know. He hadn’t been there when everything happened. The aftermath, however, he had had a front-row seat to, and because of this, he was intimately familiar with the process Sehun used to cut people off. 

Soon, the calls will taper off. Slowly, of course, but inevitably, and then the texts will stop as well. It will happen gradually, so slowly that it’ll feel foolish to confront Sehun about it, and then one day he’ll wake up and realize he hasn’t talked to Sehun in months. 

When he lets himself think about it, he feels his eyes burn in a way they hadn’t since he was a trainee, scared and hungry and alone. 

It has been almost a decade since he last truly let himself cry. 

The trainee’s dorm had always been too loud and overcrowded. It was almost impossible to find a quiet space anywhere, at any time of day. Because of this, he had taken to spending his little free time outside, on the seldom-used stairwell towards the back of their building. It had been fall, the weather getting colder every night, but he went there every break like clockwork, squishing himself into the corner and huddling away from the increasingly biting winds. No one sought him out: his Korean hadn’t been very good at the time, and the few other Chinese trainees hadn’t been interested in small talk. The cold sank into his bones and stayed there, a constant ache reminding him of how alone he was. Even the hot tears running down his face cooled quickly, leaving icy trails down his cheeks.

He still remembers that time vividly, with no one to talk to and nothing to say. It makes his few friendships nowadays all the more special. It makes the impending loss of Sehun’s friendship bite that much deeper. 

Luhan’s overcrowded schedule is a blessing. Without at least one event a day, he isn’t sure he’d be able to do anything other than think about this. The days blur even more now, with no consistent routine to follow. He hadn’t realized how much he relied on those nightly calls with Sehun to ground him. It’s a bit pathetic, all things considered. For the first time since he left the group, Luhan realizes just how alone he is. There are no other members to lean on, to pick up the slack when Luhan stumbles or for Luhan to take care of in turn. He is truly on his own, another piece of driftwood in the immense ocean of the entertainment world. There is nothing to anchor him down.

Throwing himself into his work is only effective in the short term. Luhan draws further into himself every time he hesitates to text Sehun, every night they don’t call anymore. He’s restless, roaming the rooms of his apartment, staring out into the hazy lights of Beijing at night. Focusing on anything for too long seems impossible, and Luhan switches between games and his phone apathetically, leaving matches early and cutting videos short. 

Everything feels bland, uninteresting, and he has nothing to look forward to anymore. Mr. Wang takes to watching him sharply, forcing takeout boxes into his hands between schedules and not letting him leave for the night until he’s seen Luhan eat. Luhan doesn’t know how to thank him properly because, without his manager, he isn’t sure if he’d remember to eat at all, but the understanding in Mr. Wang’s eyes as he turns to leave with a nod goodbye makes Luhan think he gets the message.

It’s been almost a year since that fateful conversation, and Sehun leaves tomorrow for somewhere far away. Luhan has stopped trying to keep track of Sehun’s schedule in addition to his own. Sehun had warned him that for the next month at least, they won’t be able to call. Luhan doubts they will ever call regularly again. 

_ That’s alright, Sehunnie  _

_ Have a safe flight - Luhan _

_ I will, you worry too much hyung - Sehun _

It feels like he’s saying goodbye for a longer time than just one month. It isn’t as if he’s sending Sehun off to war, although that thought doesn’t stop the now-familiar ache spreading in his chest.

_ Have fun, and stay safe ok?  _

_ And don’t forget to eat well - Luhan _

Luhan's hands are shaking. He can’t help a wry smile at himself. So overdramatic. Everything always affects him so much more than it does other people. He wonders briefly if it’s because he’s weaker than he’s supposed to be, always so dependent on others.

_ Ok, hyung. You too. - Oh Sehun _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I've kind of become addicted to writing this fic, and it's also become my favorite thing I've ever written so expect more soon.


	4. Chapter 4

Winter is Luhan’s favorite season. He loves the sight of snow covering the trees, feeling the cold wind on his face. Winter has the best holidays as well, from Christmas to Lunar New Year. 

Sehun always disagreed. He loved the warmth of summer, the bright sun beating down, strong winds blowing through his hair and the intense green and blue of the sea and sky. They used to bicker about it, every time the seasons began to change. He misses the casual banter more than ever, sitting in the silence of his apartment alone. For the first time in his life, he looks out at the pristine snow cover down below and wishes it were summer again. He could use a little extra warmth these days. 

Christmas passes quietly, and the time spent with his family briefly distracts Luhan. At first he doesn’t feel like he remembers how to interact with people, but his cousins have always been good at making him laugh, and he falls easily into the old routines, trading stories and insults throughout the weekend. One of his cousins, born only a few months after him, reminds Luhan of Sehun and he pushes down the pang in his chest as he ruffles the younger’s hair to say goodbye. He leaves for his apartment smiling, amidst the same empty promises to keep in touch throughout the year. He’ll see them in a few weeks' time for the New Year, giving him something to look forward to in the coming days. 

Time marches on. It’s not like this is the first time Luhan’s grown apart from someone close to him. Still, this feels different, preventable. Sehun had stuck with him through so much ever since they met, and the thought that his own actions were what finally drove Sehun away digs away at Luhan’s mind. Luhan’s just glad that this holiday season is busy enough to keep him occupied almost every day. 

Sehun hasn’t texted since he told Luhan he landed back in Korea more than a month ago. Luhan is afraid to text first: if Sehun outright ignores him he isn’t sure how he’ll take it. Still, he keeps catching himself reaching for his phone. He hasn’t had an actual conversation with Kris in over a year, and with Sehun also off-limits, there is no one else to recount the mundane excitements of his daily life. 

He should be used to being alone like this. Maybe it cuts deeper when you know what you’re missing, when you know what it feels like to have people to lean on. New Year passes by all too quickly, and Luhan’s heart sinks at the prospect of waiting months before he sees his family again. It is around this time, when Luhan is sinking deeper into his loneliness than he ever had before when Tao re-enters his life. 

It’s an unexpected reunion, but a welcome one. Luhan doesn’t know that Tao also signed on to this new producer show until he arrives at the first preliminary staff meeting to find a familiar figure sitting across the table. He likes to think that shock is the only reason he trips in the doorway, stumbling, and reaching out to lean on the door frame and steady himself.

Luhan blinks, then blinks again, and the younger is still in front of him, standing up from the table now. Luhan absently notes that Tao still can’t hide his smiles as he bows his greetings.

“Hi, Luhan.” Tao’s voice sounds familiar but it feels older. They’ve both grown a lot since they last saw each other. Luhan slides into the chair across from him, knocking a knee against the leg of the table with a wince.

“Hi, Tao-zi. It’s been a while, you look healthy.” 

“You’ve gotten clumsier, ge,” Tao teases, instinctively raising his hand in defense when Luhan starts to stand, threatening to hit him.

At the end of that first meeting they only have time to quickly exchange phone numbers before Tao has to rush off to another schedule. The younger has a similar build to Sehun’s, and they move with the same fluid grace. Luhan watches him go, and the smile and wave that Tao gives him over his shoulder stays with him the entire car ride home. He didn’t realize how much he has missed the former maknae until now. 

_ You better not save my contact as Lulu again - Luhan _

_ Too late _

_ Be careful in doorways ge - Tao _

_ I’m saving your’s as Brat - Luhan _

They meet with increasing frequency in the coming weeks, preparing to film for the show. It’s nice to have someone to talk to. Luhan had been expecting months of stilted half-formal conversations with people he only knew from award shows and the trainees, who were all much younger than him.

Instead, he gets Tao. They are growing closer every day, and it isn’t long before Luhan is pinning Tao’s messages to the top of his inbox, texting him constantly. In the months before filming starts in earnest, they are both as busy as ever and their texts are sporadic, sent in flurries during rides between locations and small breaks on set. Luckily, they’re both quite used to it.

Luhan thinks it’s funny how a simple conversation spans the whole day and finds himself looking forward to having a reason to check his phone between schedules. 

It’s a strange mix of getting to know a new friend and talking to an old one. Luhan is as comfortable with Tao as he had been when they were in EXO together, but he still learns new things about the younger every day. It’s nice to have someone to talk to, and while he had always been hesitant to text Sehun too much at a time, afraid of spamming him, Tao has no qualms in this regard. 

Luhan quickly gets used to having 20 or 30 unread messages every time he gets a chance to look at his phone. Tao sends a separate message every time he would have paused while speaking aloud. Early on, he asks Tao why he texts like that.

_ Idk Lu _

_ It’s just easier ig  _

_ Like _

_ It feels more natural? _

_ I mean I’ve always been better at talking _

_ So this makes it more like we’re _

_ You know _

_ Having a conversation - Tao _

Tao’s the exact opposite of Sehun, who has always preferred texting over calling unless the subject is really serious. Luhan shakes his head fondly, but concedes.

_ Alright  _

_ Taozi _

_ I’ll take your word for it - Luhan _

Soon, Luhan is emulating this format, and typing out full sentences to his parents or manager becomes a conscious effort. He smiles wryly every time he catches himself about to send out an unfinished thought, amazed at how easily Tao has fitted into his life again. 


	5. Chapter 5

It’s a late Sunday night when Tao calls him. Luhan is sitting at his desk idly scrolling through his video games when the call comes through. The generic beeping reminds Luhan that he needs to ask Tao what song he wants for his ringtone.

“Taozi? Is everything alright?”

“Luhan! Are you free tonight?”

Luhan pushes his chair away from the desk, idly spinning in the middle of his room. “I don’t have any plans. What’s up?”

“Come to the gym with me! Don’t worry, no one goes there at this time.”

Tao can probably sense his hesitation, even over the phone.

“Come on, ge. It’ll be fun!”

It’s not like he has anywhere to be. No one will call him tonight anyway, so Luhan shrugs. “Alright, why not.”

“Sweet! I’ll send you the address ge. See you soon!”

Luhan isn’t used to working out with another person, or really outside of his apartment at all, but it goes surprisingly smoothly, and sitting on the gym floor afterward messing around with Tao makes Luhan glad he came. He hasn’t laughed this hard in years. Tao convinces Luhan to make a TikTok account and the video they make together (after a few dozen takes that have them both rolling on the floor with laughter) is everywhere the next day. Luhan mentions it to Tao over text, but the younger seems unbothered. 

_ It was going to happen anyways  _

_ I mean once the show airs _

_ They should get used to it  _

_ Besides _

_ Most of them seem happy about it - Tao _

Luhan snorts, incredulous, as he scrolls through the comments.

_ I’m not sure that ‘happy’ properly describes the reaction I’m seeing - Luhan _

He sends a screenshot of one particular fan who seems to be on the verge of tears, and another who has filled the entire character limit with one long scream. 

_ Lmao _

_ Your fans are weird ge - Tao _

_ Shut up, brat _

_ Your’s aren’t any better - Luhan _

The initial hype dies down a few days after that, but as more promotions for the producer show go out Luhan isn’t surprised that their newly reconnected friendship features prominently in comments from their fans. The news articles labeling them as “Former EXO members Luhan and Tao”, as if leaving the group is their only defining characteristic, don’t sting nearly as much when Tao is next to him, poking fun at the reporters who have nothing else to write about. 

What does bother him is the comment that Kris leaves on their post. It’s nothing deep, just a few thumbs up, but it’s unexpected, and kind of jarring. Luhan hasn’t heard from him since his argument with Sehun and the memories that  _ that _ brings back aren’t the most pleasant. 

Tao also doesn’t seem pleased, if the ways his lips purse and his eyes slide to the side when Luhan mentions it are any indication. Luhan doesn’t press the matter; they’ve both learned to avoid each other’s sore points, and clearly this is one of Tao’s, so Luhan ignores his rising curiosity. 

It should be the end of the matter but it isn’t. Tao confides only the night after that Kris has started messaging him privately. The look in his eyes is indecipherable, and for the first time Luhan truly feels how much Tao has changed since they were last this close.

“It’s really strange, ge. I haven’t talked to him since well, you know. That time. He’s the same person obviously, but he’s also so different. He wants me to call him Kris.”

“I mean it is his Canadian name, Tao-zi.”

“He used to hate being called Kris!”

Luhan can’t react in any way but to nod. “A lot has changed.”

Tao mirrors his nod thoughtfully, before leaning towards his webcam. 

“Lu-ge, he asked how you’re doing these days.”

Luhan freezes momentarily. Tao can probably see his body tensing up, but he doesn’t mention it, choosing to continue staring steadily at him through the screen. “I mean, he does know we’re seeing each other a lot. It’s only natural to be curious.” Luhan forces a laugh, but it doesn’t sound right and he can’t help wincing. He’s probably invalidated everything he just said, less than a second after. 

“Ge, did anything happen? Recently, I mean.”

Luhan shrinks under Tao’s sharp gaze. Even after all this time the younger can still read him well, and it feels like Tao is studying even the smallest movements he makes. “We talked for a bit, I guess.”

“He seemed guilty,” Tao says bluntly, and Luhan can’t stop the thrill of validation that runs through him.

“He should.” 

Tao raises his eyebrows, and in retrospect Luhan should not have said that with the amount of conviction he had. 

It takes a bit more prodding on Tao’s part, but before they end their call that night Luhan has spilled the entire story, everything from the cold dark nights spent in Yifan’s arms to the most recent development: Sehun cutting down communication. He really doesn’t mean to share that much, but it’s such a relief to be able to tell someone everything: the weight on his shoulders is lifted slightly with every word. 

It helps a lot that Tao was there for so much of it. Luhan has told his cousins bits and pieces, but it isn’t the same: Tao knows Yifan and Sehun, knows what it’s like to live from schedule to schedule, snatching whatever bits of time are left over for himself. He admits to suspecting that Yifan and Luhan had been closer than just friends back then. Luhan’s surprised that Tao never suspected him liking Sehun though. For everyone he’s ever talked to about this it had been obvious; Tao’s oblivion gives Luhan hope that maybe he hadn’t been as outwardly desperate as he thought. 

“I don’t know, I knew you two were close. I saw how much people shipped you two, but they shipped Chen and Xiumin too so I didn’t put much stock into it. It makes sense looking back, of course, but I didn’t see you interact much when we were promoting separately and then that sort of thing stopped mattering once…”

Luhan nods in understanding. Everything else falls away when you’re uprooting your life with lawsuits and moving countries and leaving behind your second family in search of a happier life. 

When Tao hears Kris’s role in the recent events between Sehun and Luhan he doesn’t seem surprised. 

“Do you think he did the right thing?” 

Tao shakes his head quickly. “No, absolutely not. That was your and Sehun’s problem to work out. I just-”

Tao’s hesitation speaks louder than words. He carefully continues with “I wouldn’t put it past him to meddle in this sort of thing,” and Luhan’s suspicion gets stronger.

“Taozi, did something happen with you and Kris?”

Tao denies it immediately and soon they’ve returned to talking about Luhan’s problems but Luhan makes a mental note to press it further later. If Tao knows something that could explain Kris’ actions, Luhan wants to know too. 

When Tao signs off, citing an early morning schedule, Luhan closes his laptop and lays back on his bed. His drapes are open, and the bright orange of the streetlights beams a long swatch across the ceiling. Sehun should also be in bed right now, although Luhan knows the younger often works well into the night, stumbling into bed at 3 or 4 in the morning only to get up at 7 the next day. 

The harsh light of his phone screen burns Luhan’s eyes, a stark contrast to the soft street lamp which previously had been the only source of light. It’s only about 2, although Luhan should probably stop thinking of 2 am as a decent time to go to sleep if he wants to live past 50. 

When he first left for Korea, Luhan’s mother had warned him, “Don't shut yourself off from people, Lu. Having others to lean on will make you stronger, and happier too.” He had laughed it off then, pulling her into another hug and kissing her head. He knows she’s right now, and probably should have realized it sooner. 

If it’s two now, that means Luhan and Tao called for almost 4 hours. He smiles briefly, rolling over to the other side of the bed to tug the curtain on his window closed. His mother was right, as always: it’s nice to have another person to talk to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 3 am, I have classes tomorrow, what am I doing with my life


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I edited Ch. 5 a bit and re-posted that. It doesn't affect the plot at all, it just adds a bit more clarification, so you might want to re-read it. Thanks ^-^

Luhan knows Tao and Kris still talk, and that makes it less of a shock when Kris texts him again a day later. 

_ This still you, Luhan? - Kris _

Luhan stares at the notification on his phone, but can’t help laughing at his déjà vu. He’s seen this play before. Unlike last time, however, he answers right away. 

_ Ye, what’s up? - Luhan _

Kris’ apologies are, as always, a misshapen mess of excuses and explanations and trying to say sorry without typing it straight out. Luhan’s used to this though, and when Kris ends with “ _ But I do miss talking to you, Luhan. If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you just tell me,”  _ Luhan has already forgiven him. ‘Regrets are poisonous' has been his mantra for years, and he doesn’t have enough friends to let this one slip away too. 

Kris is hesitant at first, which is very out of character. Luhan takes it as a sign that he really does want to stay friends with Luhan if he’s so uncertain and afraid of messing up, even if the careful way Kris texts him nowadays grates on his nerves. He doesn’t know how to tell the younger that the reason he isn’t mad at Kris is he’s already realized who was really at fault; taking out any anger at himself on Kris would be disgustingly hypocritical. 

It takes a couple weeks and a few dozen instances of Kris stumbling over his words in an attempt to not offend Luhan but soon Kris relaxes into his normal self. Luhan’s kind of relieved, if he’s going to be honest. He still doesn’t know how to deal with a Kris who isn’t 100% confident in everything he does. 

Tao seems glad that Luhan and Kris are talking now. He always hated conflicts back then, and Luhan is entirely unsurprised to find that’s still the case. His meetings with Tao are still few and far between as the younger is rushing to finish filming for a movie before the producer show begins. His own schedule has already tapered down significantly after weeks of frenzied activity and in the 10 days left before filming begins in earnest, Luhan only has two things scheduled: a photoshoot for some magazine and a brief radio show appearance. 

He doesn’t know what to do with all of his free time. He passes a weekend at his parents’ house, but during the week they are all working and he has no reason to stay there. Instead, he lounges around his house, half-heartedly reorganizing some shelves here and there, but mostly doing absolutely nothing productive. He posts a few pictures, watches more videos than is probably healthy, and orders take out from a different restaurant every night. 

Kris is amused at his complaints of boredom. 

_ I thought you wanted more free time  _

_ Isn’t this a blessing? - Kris _

_ :( _

_ Not like this Kris ~~~~ - Luhan _

Luhan can almost hear the other laughing at him. 

_ Listen, I’m on track to finish my schedules early this week. Wanna meet up? - Kris _

Luhan pauses. He’s hesitant to actually meet up with Kris in person, as he hasn’t actually seen him outside of public appearances, but his boredom pushes him to agree and before he knows it they’ve scheduled to meet tomorrow at Kris’ recording studio. Luhan falls asleep that night with butterflies in his stomach. 

The next day, after a lazy morning spent mostly in bed scrolling through social media, Luhan finds himself outside the building housing a recording studio on the opposite side of the city. He’d recorded here once when the studio he usually used had closed for renovations, but he’s still unsure as he navigates the pristine hallways of the building it’s in. The echo of his shoes on the white tiles fill Luhan’s mind, and with every step his nervousness grows. 

He’s thirty now and he’s stood on some of the biggest stages in the world, so he pauses only to take a deep breath before pushing open the door.

It’s a smaller studio, with a waiting area and three or four recording rooms. Kris is waiting for him by the door, phone in hand, and stands from his chair to greet the older man. 

“Luhan, it’s been a while.”

“No need to be so formal, Kris,” Luhan grins, and he can see Kris visibly relax. 

“If you don’t mind, I want to show you some stuff I’ve been working on before we go to eat.”

Luhan agrees readily, and as he follows Kris back to the farthest recording room he can’t help staring at him. 

He’d forgotten how tall Kris is. Luhan isn’t necessarily short, but he’s dwarfed by the younger man. His posture is more relaxed than Luhan remembers, and his shoulders broader. When Kris turns, his head tilting slightly as he holds the door open for Luhan, he can’t help slight hitch in his breath. After all this time Kris is still one of the most attractive men that Luhan has ever met. 

They drag chairs over and Kris plays a few samples for Luhan. Any inappropriate thoughts leave Luhan’s mind as he lets the beat of the music take him away. He still loves this feeling, has never grown tired of closing his eyes so that everything else falls away. It’s only him and the music, and his body feels weightless for a few moments. 

“Listen to this one, Luhan.”

Luhan listens to the next track Kris plays, pressing the headphones close to his ears. It’s light, with an upbeat sound, and Luhan can’t help bobbing his head in time to the music. When it ends, he looks up to find Kris’s eyes on him, sharp and focused. Kris smiles at him, and takes the headphones off of his head. 

“What do you think?”

“I like it, I actually like it a lot. What’s it for?”

Kris hesitates briefly, and there’s an unfamiliar flicker of uncertainty in his eyes as he responds. 

“It suits your voice, don’t you think?”

Luhan can only stare at him for a bit. His mind is reeling with the implications of what Kris could be trying to tell him.

Kris clears his throat. “Would you like to do a collab? It’s fine if you say no, of course, but when I was listening to it I noticed that this song has parts of your style as well as mine.”

Luhan feels the excitement building in his chest and tries to calm his breathing. He’s wanted to make songs with Kris since before they even debuted in EXO. “I’d love to but are you sure? I know you still have a busy schedule, Kris.”

“I have the time.” Kris’s smile is never blinding, but it glows in a way that warms Luhan from head to toe. The soft look Kris is giving him dispels the last of his worries, and as Kris explains the concept further and pulls up sheet music and lyric ideas, Luhan leans forward in his chair. 

They meet twice more at the studio, and as soon as they have the first demo done Luhan sends it off to his artist friend, who’s worked on other music videos for him before. She’s just as excited as he is about this new song, and he and Kris continue adjusting the vocals in the song while she works on the music video. They post the finished song the day she sends it back, and order bubble tea to celebrate. Luhan absently notes that his order has changed at some point, and he sighs at himself when he realizes he’s been ordering Sehun’s favorite tea for the past few years. The slight bitterness in the tea mirrors his own bitter feelings at himself, unable to move on after all this time. Still, it does little to dampen his excitement; this is one of his most favorite songs he’s ever sung. 

“You look happy,” Kris comments as they lean against the balcony of Luhan’s apartment, sipping their drinks. 

Luhan’s smile widens, and he looks out at the city. It’s that time of day when the sun is about to set, and the yellow light makes everything look surreal. It’s as if they’ve walked onto a movie set.

“I am happy,” Luhan confides. “It’s been a while since I’ve just made music to make music. I forgot how much I love it.”

He turns to look at Kris and is surprised to find he’s already watching as the younger takes a sip from his bubble tea. Luhan stares back, and he can’t help noting how the light reflects in Kris’s eyes. 

Kris smiles after a few seconds and turns to look out at the city. “I’m glad I could bring you that. It’s been a while for me as well.”

They drink their bubble tea quietly and watch the shadows grow, until the street lights blink on and the wind grows cold.

The warmth of Kris’s hug goodbye stays with Luhan long after the sound of his taxi fades into the night.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this before the show actually aired, and changing it now to fit the actual show would change the plot too much. Pretend you don't know what the real show is like? idk I'm sorry ;-;

Luhan sees Tao almost 5 days a week now that filming for the producer show is well underway. It’s only been a week since the first day but between the long hours spent at the facility they’re using to house and train the contestants and the weeks of pre-auditions beforehand, Luhan feels like he’s been at this for months now.

Working with the trainees is tiring, frustrating, and at times Luhan isn’t sure he’s helping or harming them. They seem to hang on to his every word, but none of it gets through. Luhan’s nerves are so frayed that a breakdown seems inevitable, but to do that here, when the cameras are always rolling, isn’t an option. 

“Again,” he orders for what might be the thousandth time, and his eyes narrow listening to them stumble over the lines. 

He stands suddenly, and their voices taper off until all they’re doing is standing there, staring with wide eyes. 

“You’ve had days with this music. Days!” 

They flinch at his raised voice, and Luhan suppresses a sigh, fighting the urge to run a hand down his face. 

He tries to keep his voice at a steady, acceptable volume for the small practice room they’re in, ever mindful of the cameras filming their every move. “You should know your parts by now. This is time for practicing with the group. How are we supposed to improve the group’s sound when you individually can’t sing your own lines?” 

He’s on the verge of shouting again. Luhan wishes Sehun were here; as it is, he can see the tiny smirk Sehun would be giving him right now. It’s probably unhealthy how even imagining Sehun’s presence calms him down.

The trainees are staring at him still, and he sighs aloud, sinking back into his chair. They begin bowing an apology, but Luhan waves that away with one hand. 

“Again, from the top. It’s a complicated song, but I’ve seen your auditions. You can do it, ok?” Luhan cues the music and their shocked expressions at his compliment are quickly replaced with ones of concentration as they throw themselves into the music even more than before. By the end of their session, Luhan’s pleasantly surprised at the work they’ve accomplished, although he still gives a stern reminder to practice their parts well as they file out of the room. 

Luhan is almost 30, and although he doesn’t look it, he can feel the generational gap between himself and the trainees, who were all in their early 20s. He doesn’t know any of the other mentors or staff on the show either, and their conversations rarely stray from talking about the show.

“So glad you’re here, Tao-zi,” Luhan can’t help but whisper as they leave the facility that day, bowing to various staff they pass along the way. 

Tao grins. Luhan knows exactly what he’s thinking and reaches up to smack the younger’s head. Tao is much better at talking to both the trainees and the other mentors, and has been poking fun at the older man ever since they started filming. 

“I heard you went off at the trainees today, ge.” Tao’s grin stretches even wider and Luhan can feel himself begin to scowl. 

“It’s not my fault they don’t listen to me half the time.”

Tao reaches out to poke Luhan’s side as they make their way to the parking garage. “Some of my trainees were talking about it. You’re getting quite the reputation, Luhannie.”

Luhan snorts under his breath and speeds up unhappily. Tao’s chuckles echo behind him as he tries to speed walk away, but the younger’s long legs allow him to easily catch up to Luhan. Luhan sighs, and he can’t help but remember how often this scene used to play out with Sehun. It’s just his luck that the people he hangs out with are all over 180cm and 70% legs. 

“You know, I couldn’t help overhearing some of the mentors talking about you too,” Tao adds casually a few minutes later as Luhan slides into the seat next to Tao and his manager starts the car. 

Luhan glances over at Tao, whose grin is still in place as he gazes out the window, seemingly at nothing. 

“You remind them of someone. I think it’s rather interesting actually.”

Tao finally looks away from the window, and Luhan frowns. 

“Don’t look so upset, ge. Nothing bad.”

“Are you gonna tell me who it is?” asks Luhan grumpily, turning away from the younger and fiddling with the zipper of his jacket. 

“You remind them of one of the old producers for the show is all, and I can see what they mean. You both sort of have this,” Tao hesitates. “I guess you could call it presence? It’s hard to ignore you, even if all you’ve done is walk into the room.”

Luhan can feel his nose start to scrunch and he pushes the embarrassment down. You’d think after all these years he’d be better at taking a compliment. 

“Who’s the old producer?” he asks instead. 

The way Tao looks over at him quickly makes Luhan’s stomach stir uneasily. “Have you never watched this show before?” he asks, and the incredulous tone in his voice puts Luhan on the defensive. 

“I don’t have enough time to watch shows. Tell me who it is already. Do I know them?”

Tao shakes his head and laughs. “Oh you know him alright, but I’m not telling you anything. You’ll see him soon anyway, he’s going to be here for the last episode.”

Luhan starts to argue but the grin Tao still wears and the mischievous gleam of his eyes tells Luhan it’s probably pointless. Instead, he lets out a groan and flops back into his seat as they near Tao’s building.

“Would I know who it is if I search it up?”

“Probably,” Tao laughs, “but you’re too lazy to go to that much trouble, ge.”

“Get out of my car, brat,” Luhan grouses, and Tao leaves the car with a sunny smile, thanking Mr. Wang for the ride before he leaves. 

The days blur together after that, and before Luhan knows it they’re making preparations for the big concert serving as the season’s finale. It’s the largest one so far, and the stress of making sure everyone and everything is ready pushes any thoughts of mysterious producers out of Luhan’s head. He doesn’t even remember Tao mentioning it until the younger practically runs up to him the morning of the show with a worrying look in his eyes. 

“Taozi, what are you-”

“Come  _ on _ , Luhannie. He’s just coming in, you’re gonna miss it!”

Luhan tries to protest but Tao has already grabbed his hand, pulling him along as they weave through the mess of stylists and trainees and stage crew. Luhan manages to bow to some of the ones he recognizes and wave at a few trainees before Tao practically yanks him through the door out of the main hallway. As the door closes behind them the din fades away, and soon they can no longer hear them

“Where are we going, Tao? I have important things to do, you know.”

“Oh, hush, Luhan. I need you for emotional support, you can go back to whatever you were doing in a bit.”

Luhan can already feel himself begin to lose his mind. “Tao-”

Before he can get a word out they are pushing through a door at the end of the hallway. Luhan’s eyes sting a bit as the bright sunlight hits them directly for the first time that day and he lifts the clipboard he’s carrying up to shield them. Tao has led them to the balcony on the second floor, overlooking the main entrance.

They wait there, leaning against the railing, and watch the people below.

“Why are we here, Tao?” 

“I want to see him before we actually have to interact.” The way Tao says it makes Luhan pause, wondering what happened between this person and Tao. Tao isn’t one to shirk his responsibilities, so the fact that they’re here when they should be helping everyone else prepare already speaks volumes. Speaking of helping else prepare… 

Luhan can feel the stress welling up inside of him as his mind begins running through a list of all the things he has to do before the end of the day. “I don’t have time-”

Tao shushes him but it isn’t necessary: Luhan’s attention has also zeroed in on the familiar figure now making his way through the lobby. Luhan blinks, uncertain he isn’t hallucinating, but the figure is still there, now almost directly below the balcony. He’s unmistakable. Tao’s body tenses beside Luhan but the figure never looks up, and they both are frozen for several seconds after the person disappears beneath them, probably walking towards the main staging area.

“Tao,” Luhan asks weakly. “Why is Yixing here?”


	8. Chapter 8

Luhan’s mind is whirling as he and Tao race back to the main hallway. Why hadn’t he known this was the show Lay was on? He remembers hearing about it in passing, and he had even watched a few clips of it when they came up in his feed. How had he possibly forgotten such an important detail?

Next to him, Tao’s face is whiter than usual, and there’s a pinched look to his eyes. That too is worrying. Luhan knows Tao doesn’t like confrontation but he always thought that Lay was on good terms with him. There weren’t any personal reasons that Luhan knew of for Tao to be this nervous about seeing their former band member.

He wants to ask Tao about it, maybe offer some moral support, but before he can they are already slowing to a walk, the entrance to the main room close ahead. He only has time to reach out and squeeze Tao’s arm before the doors open and the cacophony of over one hundred people talking and working washes over them. 

Tao’s grateful smile lingers in Luhan’s mind as he returns to where Tao had kidnapped him from. He’s reviewing the schedule for the concert with the head of lighting one last time, and a few meters away he can see Tao talking to one of the other mentors, probably settling last-minute details or something like that. 

Luhan’s attention wavers again at the sound of the doors closest to him opening but it’s only a group of trainees. He watches them fondly as they’re herded towards the make-up rooms by a harried stylist, remembering how not long ago he had been in much the same position. 

“Luhan-ssi? Do you think this set-up will be enough?” 

Luhan turns back towards the stage lighting manager, and carefully checks through the schedule one last time. All of the performance lighting sequences have already been tested earlier that morning during the concert run-through; there’s a reason they have to be here at 6 in the morning when the actual event is scheduled12 hours after that. He only needs to worry about the transitions between stages and the final announcement, when the 9 trainees who made it all the way through to be picked for debut will be announced. 

“Is it possible to get one more spotlight right here, when all of the trainees are walking back onstage?”

The woman frowns in concentration, flipping through a couple of pages on her clipboard and muttering to herself. “If I can get Hyunsik over to the other side, but no, he needs to be there again…Aha!” 

She circles something and turns to Luhan, tucking the pen behind her ear again. “Consider it done, Luhan-ssi.”

Luhan can’t help smiling. In the past few months, he’s been working with her for every performance the trainees have and he’s grown to respect her and look forward to their conversations. She’s relatively young for such a position but she’s smart and does her job well. It takes a lot of strain off Luhan’s back to be able to trust the lighting manager, although he still has a myriad of other duties to fulfill.

“Thank you, good luck with the performance.” Luhan bows in farewell and she returns it quickly before heading off, already talking low under her breath into the mic on her shirt and scribbling something else on the clipboard.

Luhan checks his own clipboard and notes with satisfaction that he’s already more than halfway done. A brief glance at his watch reminds him they have less than 2 hours before the fans begin to arrive.

“Luhan!”

Tao is waving him over frantically from the other side of the hall, and he sighs, making his way through the crowd as quickly as possible without knocking anyone over. 

“Luhan, can we switch jobs?” Tao asks breathlessly as soon as Luhan is within earshot. Luhan blinks. That was definitely not what he was expecting the younger to say. 

“I’ve already done most of it,” Tao continues before Luhan can fully react. “I only have one more thing left, please Luhan, I’ll never ask for anything ever again-”

“Let me see it,” Luhan says, reaching for Tao’s clipboard. The younger didn’t lie: the entire page is riddled with notes, and every single thing on the list has been crossed out except one: Brief the MC and deliver the final script.

“Yixing? Why are you avoiding Yixing?”

“Please, ge.” Luhan looks up and Tao is biting his lip, his shoulders tensing and his eyes wide. His worry peaks again; clearly he’s missing something here. He hasn’t seen Tao this worked up for years. 

“Alright, I only had a few things left as well,” Luhan acquiesces, handing his own clipboard over. “But you’ve gotta tell me why you’re scared of Lay now.”

Tao winces. “I’m not scared of him,” he protests, but Luhan’s raised eyebrows quiet him quickly. “Look, I’ll be fine I just need more time to calm down. I’ll be fine, Luhan.”

Luhan frowns but lets the younger go. It just doesn’t make sense: Lay and Tao had never been particularly close, not enough for either of them to still be bitter over Tao’s departure from EXO. They’d never clashed either, that Luhan could remember. Certainly not enough to evoke this sort of reaction from Tao. 

The only explanation would be if something happened between them in the years between Tao leaving EXO and now. Luhan had tried to keep in touch with the younger once they both had gone solo but Tao had been dealing with his injury, and then Luhan’s solo career had taken off so quickly he hadn’t had time to talk to anyone from EXO except Sehun. 

Luhan sets off in search of Lay. He hasn’t made an appearance on the main floor as far as Luhan can tell, so he heads towards the dressing rooms. The hall is a mess, full of trainees and stylists and the occasional stagehand. Luhan pauses briefly to give encouraging words to a trainee who seems particularly nervous, and then heads towards the dressing room that the staff had claimed as their base of operations.

When he first walks into the room, closing the door behind him, Luhan thinks it’s empty. The room isn’t as messy as the ones the trainees are in but it’s getting there. He recognizes Tao’s overcoat as well as his own in the mass of fabric teetering on one of the chairs, and the smell of their lunch, half-eaten takeout noodles still on the table where they left them. 

“Luhan-hyung?”

The sound of the unfamiliar term of address has Luhan spinning quickly, but even as he turns he registers that the voice hadn’t been Sehun’s. Instead, Lay is sitting by the door, halfway through setting up his mic system. 

Lay looks good, Luhan notices. His hair hasn’t been dyed in a while, and the shadows underneath his eyes aren’t noticeably bigger than his own. Lay hasn’t changed much since Luhan last saw him but he carries himself differently. He takes up more space than he should, and his movements are quick and confident. 

“Yixing, it’s good to see you.” Luhan makes his way around the bags haphazardly scattered across the floor. The younger has finished wiring himself up, tucking the mic box into his back pocket as he stands, meeting Luhan a few steps ahead with a hug.

Lay is the only EXO member that Luhan can recall seeing in person in the last year or so. It’s always slightly awkward, but Luhan has grown to appreciate his company at award shows. Watching the performances is always better with someone to talk to, and Lay is always happy to provide that to him.

“It’s been a while, hyung, you look well.” Lay still addresses Luhan as hyung, probably because he knows Luhan doesn’t like how the Korean syllable stands out in their Mandarin conversations. Luhan can feel his nose scrunch up, and Lay laughs at him. “Are you looking for someone?”

“I was looking for you, actually,” Luhan says, and he pulls the script off of his clipboard. Lay’s eyes crinkle in the corners as he smiles, and as he continues rattling off the details Lay will need to know as MC, he can’t help but notice in the back of his mind how bright Lay looks when he smiles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally obsessed with this fic I have a gov essay due in like 20 hours why am I here


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhhh my gods Kris is in the next episode. When I saw him onstage with Tao and Luhan at the end there, I nearly screamed. Idk how I'm gonna survive. Also Lay's 4th album announcement and Baenkhyun's 2nd. Much content, very nice
> 
> Like I said before, the produce show chapter was written before all of this happened, so it was not based on real events.

Luhan sighs in relief as he flops onto his bed. The final performance had been a resounding success, and he’d been so proud of the final 9 trainees he had almost cried. Afterward, all of the mentors had gone out to celebrate the show, and, despite Luhan’s better judgment, they hadn’t left until the restaurant practically forced them out, well after midnight. 

After nothing but frenzied activity for almost 24 hours, it feels strange to be here, alone, in the quiet. The ceiling light burns his eyes, but Luhan is too lazy to get up to turn it off. It feels a lot like the nights after concerts, and as always he can’t help missing Sehun just that little bit more in these moments. He pulls a blanket over his head and finally lets himself relax. 

Finishing a project, especially as long and involved as this had been, always gives Luhan a strange feeling, proud and satisfied but also a little empty. He’s going to miss the structure of following something else’s schedule, and the familiarity of seeing the same people every day. It’s bittersweet like everything else seems to be in Luhan’s life. 

He wonders if he and Tao will keep in touch after this. There’s no reason they wouldn’t, really, but then again he’d thought there wasn’t any reason for Sehun to stop talking to him as well. The thought nags him well into the next morning.

It turns out Luhan had nothing to worry about. Tao’s texts are as frequent as ever, and they call whenever their schedules allow it, almost once a week. He keeps in touch with Yixing as well, who had first texted him the morning after the show. He’d apparently gotten Luhan’s number from Tao, although Luhan isn’t exactly sure how. The two had hardly interacted at all, besides exchanging greetings and goodbyes. There hadn’t been any time for them to exchange numbers, and Tao had clung to Luhan the whole night. The only way was if they had already had each other's contact information…

What surprises Luhan most is his continued interaction with Kris. They meet on weekends some days, or at night, and sometimes Kris will show up in the morning, when they’re both free until the afternoon. It’s the most time Luhan has ever spent with a singular person that isn’t tied to work. 

“Luhan-ssi? I’m here!” 

Luhan pulls open the door, and Kris is outside, holding up a takeout box. “I brought the chicken you like.”

Luhan’s insides squirm, and he forces a smile. “Thanks, Kris, you really didn't have to..” 

“Oh, it’s no big deal, I passed the shop on the way here anyway.” Luhan frowns slightly. The shop is practically on the other side of the city from where Kris lives and works, but by now he knows better than to question him. 

Later that night, Luhan ends up leaning on him while they watch a movie. It’s warm, and feeling Kris’ chest rise and fall makes Luhan’s eyes droop long before he’s usually ready to sleep. Briefly, he wonders if this will give Kris the wrong idea. Then again, is it the wrong idea? Perhaps it’s time for him to really try to get over Sehun, after all these years. 

After that, Kris stays over more and more frequently. Luhan’s not sure how to feel about it. He’s beginning to suspect Kris has feelings for him again and doesn’t really know if he wants that or not. It reminds him too much of last time… 

“What’s the problem, then?” Yifan had practically shouted. “If I like you and you like me we should be together.”

Luhan had been shaking, terrified on so many levels. It was the first time he had been the one to break up a relationship. He’d known that Yifan would be mad but he’d never expected this kind of reaction.

“Yifan, I’m sorry but it just isn’t working out…”

“Why?” Yifan’s voice had been low and loud, his eyebrows drawn in anger. “Did I do something? I can make it up to you, Luhan.”

It had taken so long to convince the younger. Luhan had been thinking about breaking it off for months before then, but it never seemed like he had enough reason to. He’d finally confided in Yixing, who even back then had such a strong sense of his morals, and he’d laid it out very simply. “If you don’t want to be in a relationship, hyung, then break up with him. It’s not fair if he wants someone fully devoted and you can’t give that to him.” 

When Yifan finally stormed off, moving his things from Luhan’s room into Tao’s, Luhan had cried into his pillow for the rest of the night, Yixing rubbing his back and reassuring him that he’d done the right thing. 

Looking back, Luhan can tell that Yixing was right. He’d probably drawn it out longer than he should’ve, all things considered. Afterward, even with Yifan glaring at him and ignoring him pointedly in turn, he had felt so much lighter and freer, like he’d shed a burden he hadn’t even realized he was carrying. 

Luhan sighs into his pillow too loudly. 

“You alright, Lu?” Kris reaches over to smooth a hand across Luhan’s back, and he instinctively shivers. He isn’t sure if it’s because he wants the hand off him as quickly as possible or not but forces himself to stay still. 

“Yeah, just thinking.” 

“About what?”

Luhan hesitates. 

“C’mon, Lu, you can tell me anything. I promise.” 

Luhan briefly considers telling Kris to get off of him, to leave and never come back, but the hand on his back is warm and summer is almost over, and no one else will come rub his back no matter how much he wants them to. 

“It’s really nothing, I’m just tired. You know how hectic my schedule has been lately.”

Kris clicks his tongue sympathetically, before reaching over and turning off Luhan’s bedside lamp. “Let’s sleep, Lu.”

As Kris slides the covers over both of them, Luhan tries to let his mind drift away. Kris rests a hand on his side, and the pressure is reassuring. “I’ve got you,” it seems to say. It’s hard to stop wondering what it would be like if Sehun was laying here instead. Luckily for Luhan his schedule has actually been packed full, tiring enough that it’s easy to ignore the conflicting feelings and slip into sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Luhan doesn’t really know how he ended up dating Kris. 

It’s entirely his fault if he wants to be honest with himself. He hadn’t stopped Kris at any point, let him come over at all hours. He let himself fall asleep next to Kris, let Kris buy him drinks and food, and eventually other things too. He let Kris lace their fingers together as they watched TV, and eventually he let him add a heart to his contact on Luhan's phone. 

They walk to the store for bubble tea one day, and a man walking towards them nods his head in greeting. Luhan starts to return the gesture, but before he can Kris’s hand is on his back, steering him to the side as the taller shoots the man an appraising look. He gives the barest of nods, before hurrying Luhan away. 

“What was that?” 

Kris grunts. “I just wanted him to know you’re taken.” 

Luhan frowns. “Am I? Besides, he probably didn’t even consider wondering if I’m taken or not.”

Kris eyes him as they slow, nearing their destination. “You’re taken, Lu, unless you don’t want me.”

Sometimes, he forgets. 

“It doesn’t matter, Kris-ssi. Just leave me alone.” His head has been throbbing for hours, made worse by the flashing cameras and the heat of the studio. Modeling shoots were ten times worse while also suppressing a headache. 

Kris narrows his eyes, and the inside of Luhan’s gut seems to curl in on itself. “It matters to me, Luhan. I’m your boyfriend, I’m supposed to be able to comfort you.”

Luhan briefly forgets his headache. Had they ever actually officialized their relationship? Luhan isn't sure he wants that, especially with thoughts of Sehun still in his mind almost every day. A moment later the pain comes back full force and he can do little but press his face even deeper into his pillow, willing Kris to go away and leave him alone. He seems to spend an inordinate amount of time breathing in the stale scent of polyester stuffing these days.

Kris sighs heavily, and the bed dips at Luhan’s side. A hand runs down his back, too hot, scorching the skin through the thin fabric of his shirt. It feels like he’s trapped, pressed down into the mattress. He tries pushing against the hand weakly. 

“It’s ok, Lu. I’m here, I’ve got you.” 

When Sehun had taken care of him during a fever, he’d always been so careful, afraid of hurting Luhan or bothering him more. The memory makes Luhan’s eyes start to burn, and Luhan gives up, slumping against his blankets and waiting for the pain to run its course. 

Tao is unsatisfied with the new development. “You already dated him, didn’t you? What makes you think this will be any different, Lulu?”

Luhan’s forehead scrunches up. It’s a question that’s been plaguing him ever since Kris started sleeping over whenever their schedules allowed. “I think I know what I want more now?”

“And what’s that?” Tao’s eyes are boring into him. The intensity in them is similar to the look Tao gets when he’s focusing on a particularly difficult stage. Luhan doesn’t know how to feel about that. 

“He hugs well? I like going to sleep and waking up to see him first, and I like spending time with him, I guess.” Luhan almost winces at how childish he sounds

“You don’t sound sure.” Tao stares at him through the webcam, and Luhan can’t help shifting uncomfortably. “Listen, ge. It sounds as if you like someone loving you more than you actually like Kris.”

Luhan’s chest throbs and he tries to school his expression into one less guilty-looking. “I do like him, Tao.”

Tao doesn’t look convinced, but he lets it go for now although Luhan’s sure he’ll bring it up again. 

Yixing is much more supportive, although compared to Tao that isn’t saying much. 

_ Really, hyung? I never would’ve thought, I mean especially after how hard Yifan took your break-up. - Yixing _

_ It just sort of happened.  _

_ He’s a lot nicer, I think.  _

_ He’s a lot less insecure _

_ Less possessive. - Luhan  _

_ Alright, hyung. I’m happy for you two. - Yixing _

It isn’t a ringing endorsement, but Luhan’s grateful for the support nonetheless. He shows the conversation to Kris, who snorts. 

“I’m glad he’s happy for us,” Kris says. The words are innocent but his tone is bitter. 

Luhan frowns, mentally running through their history. As far as he knows, they never fought. It isn’t his business, of course, but the thought still nags him. What happened to make both Kris and Tao dislike Yixing? Luhan is pretty sure it’s impossible to dislike the younger, and he’s also sure that when they left EXO they’d been on more or less good terms with Lay. Something isn’t adding up. 

The weeks go by quickly, a haze of news broadcasts and shows, and then more preparations for the next album. He reads a half dozen scripts, and Mr. Wang warns him that he only has time for one of them. The hours at the recording studio leave his throat sore, and when he gets home Kris is waiting. 

It’s nice having something to come home to. Kris has practically moved in, although he keeps his old apartment. Luhan’s apartment isn’t small, but it still doesn’t have enough space for the full wardrobes of two full-time idols. The first few times he’d gotten back after a long day only to find the lights already on had been nerve-wracking, and he’d almost called the police thinking it was an overzealous fan. 

Having Kris around constantly is starting to grate on Luhan’s nerves. He can’t get a moment alone, and it’s starting to feel like even when he’s home he still has to work, to feel cheerful and social, and think about how he’s presenting himself. He doesn’t really care how Kris views him, but every time Luhan feels down or tired or antisocial Kris is there trying to fix it. Most of the time, having the younger there to wrap his arms around him providing a stable, warm comfort is just what Luhan needs. He still needs his alone time though, and if he asks Kris to leave him alone, it’ll inevitably lead to a lecture later on. He appreciates having someone to care for him, but there’s a difference between needing some space and shutting people out, and Kris has a vastly different definition of that than he does. 

He finds himself talking with Tao late into the night to escape him. Kris is very respectful of leaving time for his friendships, although he declines any invitation to talk to Tao or Yixing. Tao’s disapproval of their relationship only increases, and at this point Luhan isn’t sure what he’s going to do. It’s getting harder to brush off Tao’s concerns. 

“Ge, why are you even with him if all you do is avoid him by talking to me?”

Luhan looks over his shoulder furtively, but Kris is in the kitchen, humming along to the radio. “It’s not like that, Zitao,” he protests weakly, but the way Tao is staring at him on the screen makes it clear he doesn’t believe the elder. 

“Listen, Lulu. One of my exes, he was still in love with his previous boyfriend. You don’t understand how awful it feels to know you’re dating someone who doesn’t actually love you.”

He can’t help running a hand through his hair. “I know that, Taozi.”

“Ge,  _ listen _ to me. You gotta either end it or commit yourself to improving your relationship. You can’t just let this carry on and on.”

Every time they talk it’s more apparent how much Tao had grown since they left. Luhan laughs drily. “When did you get so smart, Tao?” 

“I’m just passing on the knowledge, ge. I would’ve saved myself a lot of heartache if I’d listened to Yixing earlier-”

Luhan freezes. “Yixing?”

Tao averts his eyes and frowns, his arms wrapping around to hug himself tightly. Luhan’s heart beats faster,  _ finally,  _ he’s getting further along figuring out why Tao had avoided the other so vehemently. 

“Did-- Were you and Yixing…?”

“Oh, no, not like that, ge!” Tao is quick to correct him. “He gave me some advice and I didn’t really listen, is all.”

Luhan feels his eyes narrow. “Then why were you so set on avoiding him? It doesn’t make sense, last time I checked you were on good terms.”

Tao looks supremely uncomfortable. “We had a bit of a disagreement is all. I wasn’t avoiding him that much anyway…”

Luhan raises an eyebrow, and Tao closes his eyes, turning away from the screen with pursed lips. 

“That’s it?”

“Ge, I really don’t want to talk about it. It’s all in the past anyway. There’s no point.”

Luhan lets it go, sensing the other’s discomfort. It technically isn’t his business, although he’d really like to have two of his closest friends at least on speaking terms. 

He hasn’t told Yixing about his troubles with Kris. Yixing has always been very straightforward, and hates any time people are being dishonest whether that’s with themself or others. Besides, he already knows what Yixing would think of all this; there’s no point in asking him at all. 


	11. Chapter 11

The sound of a video call coming in rings through the empty rooms of Luhan’s apartment, and he groans, dragging himself off the couch and over to his desk. Kris is on tour in North America and Europe for the next two weeks, leaving Luhan to the solitude of his apartment. 

Kris had been so apologetic when he was leaving. “It’s just for two weeks, Lu. Text me a lot, yeah? I’ll see you as soon as possible.”

Luhan had merely nodded, dropping his head onto Kris’ chest as they hugged goodbye. Stepping back and closing the door behind Kris, Luhan had been overcome with a strange wave of emotions. He would miss Kris, having gotten used to having the younger around, but at the same time he felt so much more relaxed. 

The continued ringing reminds Luhan of what he’s doing, and he answers the call habitually, expecting Kris or Tao. 

“Luhan-hyung?”

Oh, that makes sense. Luhan is dreaming. He had thought it weird that either Tao or Kris would call him at this time. 

“Hyung? Can you hear me?”

Luhan pinches his arm roughly, but Yixing’s voice is still echoing through his apartment. “Yixing? Is everything alright?”

“Can we video call, hyung?”

All of the alarm bells are ringing in Luhan’s mind. Yixing never calls, much less a video call. Nevertheless, he puts any questions on hold as he plugs in his webcam, clipping it to the top of his laptop. 

“Can you see me, hyung?”Yixing’s familiar form blinks into existence on Luhan’s screen, and he can’t help sitting there silently for a bit, checking Yixing’s face for signs of exhaustion and appreciating how well the younger has grown. 

“Hyung?”

“Oh, yes I can see you. Is everything alright, Yixing?”

Instead of answering, the younger leans forward to adjust a light. As his face grows clearer in the new lighting Luhan notices telltale tear tracks running down his face. His eyes and nose are suspiciously red and Luhan’s worry skyrockets. 

Yixing rarely cries. Unlike Tao’s waterworks or Kris and himself, Luhan has only seen Yixing cry very few times. Even Xiumin and Chen will tear up during a particularly sad movie. Yixing, on the other hand, has a firm grasp of his emotions nearly 24/7. 

Luhan waits for the younger to speak. Yixing’s hair is dark brown, almost his natural shade, and it’s messy as well, tufts sticking out in all directions. Someone pounds on the door of Yixing’s hotel room but the younger just rolls his eyes, grabbing a pillow next to him on the bed and hugging it to his chest. 

“Hyung, it’s my birthday tomorrow,” he finally says. 

Luhan checks his desktop clock, and sure enough it’s only about an hour until the younger’s birthday. 

Luhan doesn’t really know how to respond so he just plays it safe. “Happy early birthday, Yixing.”

Yixing laughs, but it’s only a ghost of his normal, bright, happiness-filled laughter. “Thanks, hyung.”

They sit in silence again. The quiet static from Yixing’s end seems to grow louder and louder to Luhan, soaking into the air and weighing it down. 

“Xingie, talk to me,” Luhan finally says. “What’s wrong, how can I help you?”

The younger laughs that awful, hollow laugh again. “It’s stupid, Luhan. I’m being dumb. It really isn’t that big of a deal, I don’t know why I’m like this.” Luhan watches helplessly as he lifts his hand to wipe away another tear, burrowing his face into the pillow in his lap afterward.

“Is it--” Luhan hesitates. “Are you missing your grandmother?”

The younger nods, but lifts his head to add “Not just that, though. I always miss her.”

He pauses, and Luhan waits for more. 

“Today Baekhyun and Chen enlisted.” 

“Oh, really? I didn’t know,” Luhan says with surprise. Although he doesn’t keep in contact with the rest of EXO their enlistment announcements usually reach his news feed. 

“Yeah. I wanted to go see them off, but there wasn’t enough time between schedules.” The bitter disappointment in Yixing’s voice is a stark contrast to his usual, more gentle tone. “I miss them so much, hyung. I mean, they’re my bandmates, my brothers. I am not EXO without them.”

Luhan’s not sure what to say. He’d been in a similar situation when he first left the group but at the time, he had been expecting to not keep in touch with any of them. The full cut-off, however painful, made the separation a lot easier to swallow and move on from the group. Yixing, however, is stuck in this strange limbo, not having left the group permanently, just staying out in the fringes. Being stuck in this weird in-between situation must be pretty difficult for him, not knowing when he’ll see the rest of EXO again, but still wishing for and expecting it. 

“I just-” Yixing stares at something just off-screen longingly. 

“Yeah?”

“I…” The younger refocuses, turning to look at the webcam again. “I love my work here. I really do! I’ve had so many amazing opportunities and met so many people and it’s so nice to understand what people are saying without thinking about it too much. I’ve gotten to do so much but-”

“It’s a difficult position, for sure Yixing.” Luhan isn’t sure how he can help, but he wants to try. He just hopes he’s not going to make the younger even sadder. “I think you’ve done well, Xingie, really really well. They won’t be in the military forever, you know?”

“I know, hyung, like I said I’m just being stupid. And they still talk to me. I just want to see them in person, for longer than a couple of hours too.” The younger lets his head hang, and Luhan can’t do anything but watch. 

“I’m sorry, hyung, I never asked. How have you been?”

“I’ve been fine, I guess.” Luhan feels uneasy letting the previous subject drop so quickly, but perhaps a distraction is what Yixing needs. 

The younger raises his eyebrows. “You don’t sound sure.”

Luhan hesitates. How much should he tell Yixing about his uncertainty with Kris? It feels wrong like he shouldn’t be talking about it with anyone except Kris himself. “Kris is away,” he finally says. 

“Oh, that must be rough. One of the upsides to being single is not having someone special to miss all the time.”

Luhan nods, but his unease is growing. Lying to Yixing, even through misdirection, weighs heavily on his conscience, so he clarifies a bit further. “It’s just since he was between promotions for so long, it feels a bit nice to be alone for a change.”

Yixing tilts his head to the side. “I mean, I guess that’s normal, right? You can’t be with someone 100% of the time, everyone needs alone time.”

“Yeah, I guess.” 

“I wonder though, maybe you aren’t-”

Another flurry of knocks sounds on Yixing’s end of the call, and he smiles wryly. “I’m going to have to go soon, hyung. Thanks for calling with me though.”

“Of course, Xingie. Be well, alright?”

Yixing nods with a smile, more relaxed now, and starts to end the call. Before he does, he hesitates briefly. “Do..”

“Hmm? What’s wrong?” Luhan asks.

“Would it be possible to call again? I’ve been lonely, hyung.”

Something in Luhan’s chest warms, and he has to tamper down his smile so he doesn’t scare the younger. “Of course, Yixing. I’d love that. I’ll text you, alright?”

They end the call there, and the last thing Luhan sees is Yixing’s smile, almost as big as his own. 


	12. Chapter 12

After that first call with Yixing, Luhan hadn’t been sure they’d keep up the calls. After all, before then Yixing hadn’t ever called him in the way that Sehun or Tao did. Luckily, calls with Yixing become a regular occurrence, and Luhan often finds himself making note of things to tell the younger throughout his day. 

They talk about everything and anything. Unlike with Kris or Tao, Luhan feels like he can tell anything to Yixing. With Tao, for example, Luhan had often felt like he needed to have a specific topic in mind for calling him. With Kris, he has to be careful and watch his words, and awkward silences often stretch between them. Yixing never seems uncomfortable in silence. Sometimes they video call while doing their own work without even talking to each other, and Luhan finds himself missing the company the one night when Yixing is busy with other things. He’s quickly gotten used to the other rustling papers and humming to himself in the background as he reads over scripts or tries to write lyrics. 

It’s been a week now, and Kris is coming back tomorrow. Instead of being excited Luhan finds himself dreading it. He should be excited, right? But Kris being gone had let him do whatever he wanted in the evenings without worrying about another person. He had been free to be as depressed and grumpy as possible and there was no one there to chastise him or forcefully cheer him up. He had been free to call Yixing as well. Kris has always left him alone for the hour or so he spends talking to Tao when they call, but Luhan doubts he’d be as understanding of the hours of silence and quiet conversation he’s grown to love sharing with Yixing. 

“Luhannie, are you alright?” Yixing’s voice is soft and sweet, and Luhan looks up to find the younger staring at him through the camera, sheets of music lying forgotten in his lap. 

Luhan blinks and is surprised to feel tears spill over and run down his cheeks. When had he started crying? 

“Luhannie…” Yixing says again, and Luhan’s throat clenches up tighter than before. Sehun was the only person he’d ever let call him that. It felt wrong, somehow, when other people used that nickname. When Yixing says it in this devastatingly soft and caring voice Luhan finds he doesn’t have the heart to try and stop him. 

Yixing looks like he wants to say more, and Luhan braces himself for more questions, more demands that he cheer up and look on the bright side, but the younger seems to reconsider and leans away from his computer, grabbing his guitar from where it had been leaning up against his desk. 

The soft sounds of Yixing strumming his guitar lull Luhan to sleep. He wakes up the next morning feeling most well-rested than he can remember in years. 

Luhan is lying on his bed the next day, idly tracing the pattern of the ceiling with his eyes, when the door clicks open.

“Luhan, I’m home!”

Luhan sits up with a start. The sound seems to ring through the small rooms of the apartment, so loud after the quiet stillness that Luhan has become used to. He’d somehow forgotten this was the day Kris returned from his tour. Had only two weeks gone by? It felt like so much longer. 

“How was your flight?” Luhan calls out from his room, gathering up all the papers that had accumulated on the bed and dumping them on the desk. He runs a hand down his face and hopes the bags under his eyes aren’t any noticeably worse than the last time Kris saw him. 

Kris appears in the doorway, still in his overcoat and hat. Luhan unwraps the scarf from around the taller’s neck and lets himself fall into a tight hug. 

“I missed you,” Kris says into Luhan’s hair. 

Luhan nods, his throat tight. He’d missed the solid comfort of Kris’s hugs. He’s happy the younger is back. Is it bad that he’d nearly forgotten Kris this past week? Their schedules had both been pretty full in the past few days, he reasons. It’s understandable. 

Kris untangles himself and holds Luhan at arms length, studying his face seriously. “Have you been well, Luhan?”

Luhan forces a smile. The melancholy from last night hasn’t left him, and right now all he wants to do is curl up in bed and not think. “I’ve been busy,” he replies, instead of answering. He doesn’t know how to answer that question anymore, not when Kris can see through all of his attempts at lying. He ducks out of Kris’s hold, heading towards the kitchen. “Are you hungry?”

Kris follows closely and Luhan can feel him hovering right behind him. The close proximity makes his skin prickle uncomfortably. 

“Hey, Luhan, did something happen?” Kris’s voice is concerned, and Luhan winces. 

“Are you hungry?” Luhan asks again, turning around quickly to face Kris again. The smile he’s pasted on strains his cheeks and he can feel how fake it must look. 

“Luhan, what’s wrong?” All hope that Kris would notice he doesn’t want to talk right now and leave it be for once in his life floods out of Luhan’s body. He looks so worried for him, and the nagging feeling that Kris cares for him far more than Luhan can ever return won’t leave him. 

He’s heading towards a fight. Luhan can feel it looming closer. He’s so tired and he doesn’t have enough energy for this and all he wants to do is curl up in bed with someone to hold him, and he doesn’t want to yell but he’s been stretched too thin for too long. He’s about to snap and a growing part of him doesn’t care what the repercussions will be anymore.

He turns around and walks back into the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed. Kris follows, crossing his arms as a stern expression takes over his face. 

“Luhan, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Maybe I don’t want your help, Luhan thinks fiercely. 

The silence in the room weighs him down but tonight he embraces its blanketing effect. His aversion to silence has been wiped away in the past week during calls with Yixing.

Yixing.

Luhan wants to call him. Yixing brings comfort and stability to Luhan that he hasn’t felt in a while. Yixing would never approve of Luhan blowing up at Kris instead of trying to talk about things rationally. Luhan digs his nails into the palms of his hands and grits his teeth.

“Luhan, talk to me. I don’t know why you’re doing this but you’re never going to get anywhere if you just clam up.” Kris is getting more frustrated, and his neck is beginning to turn red. Luhan notes absently that he hasn’t unclenched his jaw since they were in the kitchen. It’s a shame they’re arguing when he could’ve been curled up on the couch or in bed with Kris’s warm arms around him by now. 

Luhan stays silent. It’s nice, not saying anything, and the longer he stays quiet the more detached he feels from what’s happening. He relaxes his jaw but it still feels like there’s something preventing him from speaking. It feels as if there’s a restraint just loose enough that he’ll only feel it if he tries to open his mouth. He wants to lay down now but something instinctive keeps him still. If he moves it might upset Kris further. 

Kris has no such qualms. He storms over to the bed, halting right next to Luhan and staring down at him. For a moment they make eye contact but the angle makes Luhan’s neck begin to ache and he looks down at his hands instead. 

“Did I do something? Did something happen? Why aren’t you talking? I’m trying to help you, Luhan!” He’s almost yelling now, and Luhan’s silence seems to piss Kris off even more. The heater in the living room turns on and Luhan’s focus is drawn towards the sound. Has it always rattled like that? Perhaps he should ask Mr. Wang if they can get it looked at. 

“Luhan, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Luhan feels his eyes widen, his head snapping up to stare up at the younger. Kris rarely swears, if ever. Luhan can’t even remember the last time he’d heard a curse word from the younger. A small flicker of remorse crosses Kris’s face and he takes a deep breath. Luhan can feel the younger’s sigh from where he sits.

Luhan’s throat feels like it has closed up with how long it’s been since he spoke and he clears it hesitantly. 

“I’m really tired, Kris.” Luhan’s voice sounds more fragile than he had intended. 

“Luhan, you’re avoiding the subject. You’re avoiding  _ me _ . I can’t fix you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” 

Who said you had to fix me? Am I broken? He thinks these words angrily, returning Kris’s stern gaze with a glare. This behavior is immature, Luhan knows. He should be talking, explaining how he’s too tired to act normally and he just wants cuddles, or maybe confessing that he’s not sure he really likes Kris in the way he knows the younger wants. 

He tries to force himself to say something. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I don’t want to think anymore. The words are in his mind but he can’t force himself to say them. 

Kris glares down at him. He’s still towering over the bed, and Luhan has never felt so small before. He does his best to keep his gaze steady as Kris’s eyes search his face. What is Kris reading in his expression? Luhan’s not bad at reading nonverbal clues but he’s still no match for Kris, who seems like he knows just what a person is thinking just in one glance. 

Whatever he sees on Luhan’s face makes him hesitate. The tension seems to drain out of his shoulders. He purses his lips. 

“I’m going to come back tomorrow, ok?” His voice isn’t nearly as threatening as before but something in the quiet, deliberate way he’s speaking terrifies Luhan. He doesn’t dare move a muscle as he listens to Kris walking out into the main room. 

He feels like a deer caught in the headlights of oncoming traffic. Kris is gathering his bags, and the familiar sound of a zipper cuts through the silence. Luhan dreads Kris coming back into the bedroom, but the younger simply leaves, rolling his bags out into the hallway. 

The lights outside of Luhan’s room flicker off. The door clicks shut quietly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this took a lot longer than I expected. Kris is the most difficult character in this fic to write and he's in most of this chapter. I guess I don't have as solid of an understanding of him as the others, because I'm constantly struggling to imagine how he'll react to things. Everyone else just seems to fall into place. 
> 
> A lot has happened in the last month or so. EXO-Ls are well-fed these days (well, compared to usual. NCTzens would think of this amount of content as a drought). Stream Candy and Lit! I (Lit-erally) can't get either of them out of my head. 
> 
> Ok, ignore me. Next chapter posted sometime in the next year (I'm practicing setting my expectations low)


	13. Chapter 13

“Luhan, if you don’t like him you have to break up with him. Forgive me for saying so, hyung, but you’re being really cruel, keeping this up when you know you don’t like him.”

Luhan sighs and lets his body flop back onto the bed. All these years later and Yixing’s words are still uncomfortably true. Kris has been gone for almost an hour now, and Luhan has just let himself relax. He can’t shake the overwhelming sense of deja vu. 

This whole situation reminds him of the night after he broke up with Kris. After the younger had left their dorm room Luhan had spent hours second-guessing himself. Yixing had spent hours comforting him, only leaving after Luhan had reassured him that he was alright upwards of ten times. Luhan had just needed to be alone, even if Yixing had been nothing but supportive and reassuring.

Logically, he knows what his next course of action should be. He needs to break it off with Kris, preferably as soon as possible. How is he supposed to do that, though? He’s never been good at putting his thoughts into words, and it’s always been so much easier to just let things happen. He’s not like Kris, or even Yixing, eager to shape the world however they think it should be.

He reaches for his phone to text Yixing, but something stops him. Yixing will inevitably be disappointed in him for dragging it out this long and leading Kris on. Luhan can’t face his disapproval right now. 

Below his message box with Yixing is Kris’s. Now it doesn’t seem worse of a time to do this than any other. Tapping their messages, he texts Kris before he can chicken out. 

_ Hey, I think we aren’t working out. - Luhan _

Luhan mutes his chat with Kris and lets the phone slide from his fingers onto the mattress next to him. He really just did that. In the next few minutes, he can’t bring himself to move, stuck in the same strange paralysis as when Kris had been here. He watches the ceiling as his phone screen lights up repeatedly. No doubt he should text Kris back to explain himself or offer apologies, but the thought right now is unbearable. 

He turns on his side, away from his phone, and looks out the window. The building across the street has been decorated, nothing special, just a string of colored lights around the door and windows. He’d forgotten it was Christmas Eve. 

This year Luhan’s schedule doesn’t allow enough time to take the train ride all the way to his parent’s house until the week after Christmas. It isn’t bad at all compared to the years he spent away from home under SM, but the thought of spending the day mostly alone makes the back of Luhan’s eyes burn. He won’t be completely alone, of course, but no matter how much he loves his work, it doesn’t compare to the warmth of spending time with the people he loves.

The silence of his apartment feels like it's choking him. Only a few moments before it had felt comforting, calm and serene, but now the quiet just reminds him that no one else is here. As the time he has spent idly lying on his bed increases so does the feeling that he needs to hear another person’s voice before he goes insane. 

He gets as far as opening their chat room on his computer, cross-legged at the edge of his bed before he remembers he’s avoiding Yixing. He won’t be expecting a call anyways, knowing tonight Kris came home from overseas, and explaining why Kris isn’t here is kind of the last thing Luhan wants to do, ever. 

He sends a quick message to Tao, just in case, but he’s probably with family or asleep at this point. The chances of him being available to talk are slim to none. 

That pretty much exhausts his list of friends. He scrolls through his inbox but most of the conversations are family or work-related. It’s never been quite so obvious how tiny his social circle is. 

Towards the very bottom of the list are his messages from Sehun. Luhan clicks on his name apprehensively. The last time they texted was almost a year ago when he’d wished Sehun a happy birthday and the younger had responded with a curt “Thanks.”

Luhan’s eyes are drawn to the top of the screen when the grey circle next to Sehun’s username turns green unexpectedly. What is he doing online? He’d always used to call Sehun on nights like these when the silence in his apartment was choking him and he couldn’t stand being alone anymore. Vaguely, he wonders what Sehun’s response would be if he called him right now. It wouldn’t hurt to find out, right?

Before he completely processes his thoughts he has already pressed the call button. Fear crashes through him, nicely flavoured with a bout of regret and some embarrassment mixed in for extra pizazz. He spends the next few seconds debating furiously with himself. Is it better to pretend he misclicked or actually go through? Will the younger even pick up? He is wildly unprepared for an actual conversation with Sehun and his mouse hovers over the button that will end the call. 

Before he can actually hang up, against all odds Sehun actually picks up. Luhan freezes. He didn’t expect that one.

“Hello?”

Luhan is scrambling to get his thoughts together and hearing the sound of Sehun’s voice for the first time in almost two full years isn’t helping much. 

“Is anyone there?” Sehun’s voice, already curtly formal, sounds on the brink of annoyance now.

“Yeah, um, hi.” Wow, Luhan thinks to himself. Could you be more awkward?

“Luhan?” The younger sounds surprised, as if someone else hacking Luhan’s account is more likely than him actually calling the younger. “Are you-- is everything alright?”

“No, yeah, sorry. I mean, I’m sorry for calling, I don’t know-”

“Hyung, are you okay? You don’t sound too good.”

Luhan’s chest aches for reasons he doesn’t really want to know. How much of what happened is he even supposed to tell the younger? It feels wrong discussing it with anyone else before Kris, and Sehun probably doesn’t even know that they had gotten together in the first place. 

“I’m just lonely I guess,” he says instead. “I’m sorry, if you’re busy I can go.”

“Stop it, hyung. Tell me what happened.”

Luhan tries his best not to ramble as he relates a very summarised version of what happened. He finds himself omitting certain parts, like the evenings he spent with Yixing or the fact that Tao had warned him this very thing would happen at the very beginning of their relationship. It’s really quite a dumb story, and Luhan feels shame welling up inside of him. Throughout it all Sehun is noticeably quiet, only verbally reacting when he first mentions dating Kris again and when he says he’s talking to Yixing. 

When Luhan is done he falls silent, listening to the static in the line. After a little while, Sehun speaks. 

“I think you’re doing the right thing,” he says carefully. Sehun had always been a bit awkward trying to comfort people, and Luhan can’t help the thrill of fondness passing through him. “You should respond to him in the morning though.”

Luhan nods, forgetting Sehun can’t see him. His phone has stopped lighting up now, but Luhan knows Kris is probably still angry at him.

“Luhan? Did you hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah sorry. I’ll talk to him tomorrow. I think he might come back here anyways.” Luhan sighs heavily at the thought. He’s never liked any form of confrontation and he can’t help dreading his inevitable conversation with Kris.

“Hyung, you sound exhausted.” 

Luhan hadn’t noticed before, but as Sehun points it out he feels the tiredness weighing him down. Between his strained encounter with Kris, worrying about how Yixing will react, and his weird reunion with Sehun, Luhan has been completely emotionally and mentally drained. It’s been a long night.

He can’t hold back a yawn, made audible by the mic on his headphones right next to his chin, and Sehun chuckles a bit. “Go to sleep, hyung. You’ll probably need the rest tomorrow if Yifan comes over.”

It sounds far too much like a farewell, and Luhan can’t help crying out “Wait!” 

Sehun pauses. “Yeah? What is it?”

He doesn’t want Sehun to fade from his life yet again, not when this is the first conversation they’ve had in years. He can feel the opportunity to try to reconnect with the younger slipping out of his grasp. “Can we, I don’t know, call more often?”

Sehun is silent for a beat too long and Luhan rushes to continue, fearing the worst. “It’s just, I’ve missed you, Sehunnie.”

For a second, Luhan is scared Sehun will just hang up on him. Instead of leaving him hanging, the younger sighs. 

“Ok, hyung. I’ll text you, okay? Go to sleep.”

Luhan feels a tired smile stretch across his face. Yes! Finally, after all this time. Maybe in another year or two, they’ll be back to how close they were before. Luhan can only hope he won’t somehow mess everything up again. 

“Okay, I will,” he responds, trying to mask how happy he is. He doesn’t want to scare the younger away before they’ve even had a chance to reconcile.

Sehun hangs up before Luhan can get to it, and the screen returns to their messages. Luhan is about to close his laptop when he sees Sehun typing. 

_ Good night, hyung. Sleep well. - Sehun _

There’s a fluttery feeling in Luhan’s chest that he hasn’t felt in what feels like forever. Sehun wouldn’t have promised to text him if he didn’t mean it. 

_ Good night, Sehunnie. You too. - Luhan _

Even with everything that has happened, all in the span of less than ten hours, Luhan goes to bed with a hopeful feeling. Ultimately, he and Kris will be better off as friends, and now he’s talking to Sehun again. Yixing can’t be disappointed in him forever. Perhaps everything will work out for the better, eventually. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all Sehun is back. I suppose now is as good a time as ever to let you know the relationship tags have been updated given new plot stuff I just figured out.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me so long to write this chapter (4 months, to be exact). I don't know why it was so hard. I restarted probably 3 or 4 times. 
> 
> Anyways, happy yixing day ^-^  
> Hopefully updates will be more frequent from now on but no promises lmao

Luhan wakes up to the sound of a door slamming somewhere in the apartment. The light coming through the window is still faint, and as he comes to consciousness he realizes he never changed into pajamas the night before. 

The floor of his room is cold against his bare feet. Luhan walks out to Kris sitting on his couch, head in his hands. He looks up as Luhan approaches. 

“Hi,” Luhan says after a short pause, not knowing what else to say. How does one talk to their sort of ex but not officially?

Kris lets out a short laugh but it’s more bitter than anything. 

“Were you serious, last night? When you texted me?” Kris’s voice is rough, and Luhan internally winces. He never meant to put Kris through any of this. 

“I guess, yeah?” 

Kris shakes his head incredulously. “I don’t understand, Lu. What happened? We were fine before I left, weren’t we? Did I do something wrong?” 

Gods, how was he supposed to explain this? How could he possibly make Kris understand when he himself couldn’t even properly describe his reasons?

“It’s just…” Luhan turns away from Kris and sits down at the table. Kris stays on the couch.

“It’s just what, Luhan?” 

“It’s just, I never really meant to date you again?” Luhan cringes even as the words leave his mouth. 

Kris falls back onto the couch heavily, one hand coming up to rest on his face.

“You what.”

Luhan scrambles to clarify. “It’s not that I didn’t want to, Kris-ge. It’s just, like, it just sort of happened. I didn’t-”

“Luhan what the fuck,” Kris interrupts. “Don’t you think this would’ve been good to tell me, oh I don’t know, months ago?” 

Luhan shrinks back into his chair. “I didn’t know we were a thing until you started staying over, Kris! And by then, it was too late.”

“Too late?” Kris stands up and sighs heavily. “I don’t know why I even bother.”

Something in Luhan’s chest feels like it drops into his stomach. “It’s not like that, Kris.”

“Then what is it like, Luhan? Tell me that.” 

Luhan doesn’t know what to say. 

“Why do you just go silent?” Kris’s voice is starting to get louder, and Luhan can feel himself instinctively moving away from him. “It’s fucking impossible to have a conversation with you!”

“I’m sorry,” Luhan hates how quiet his voice is. 

“You’re sorry? That’s all? So this is it, then. I just pack up my stuff and give you the key? And then leave?”

Luhan watches helplessly as Kris’s face darkens further. 

“Fuck you, Luhan. You’re too goddamn wrapped up in your own shit. Try communicating sometime, before you push away everyone in your fucking life.”

Kris pushes past Luhan aggressively. The door slamming shut shakes the entire apartment as Luhan stands frozen. How does he manage to mess everything in his life up so badly?

The next few days are rough. Kris has left his belongings scattered throughout Luhan’s apartment. He had texted the younger to come get them a few hours after he’d angrily stormed out, but there was no response. He’s settled for gathering up what he can into a box at the back of his closet. He hadn’t realized what a big part of his life Kris had taken over in the short three months they were together. 

To make matters worse, Luhan still can’t bring himself to talk to Yixing about it. A combination of shame and his ever-present aversion to confrontation keep Luhan from contacting Yixing for almost a week. The younger ends up hearing about it from someone else, or maybe he’s noticed Kris has stopped mentioning Luhan on social media and put the pieces together himself. Either way, five days after Kris stops coming over to Luhan’s house, Yixing texts Luhan himself. 

_ Luhan, are you ok? - Yixing _

Luhan stares at the cursor blinking in an empty text book on his screen. 

_ I heard what happened with Kris, do you want to talk about it? - Yixing _

_ I’m doing alright - Luhan _

And that’s that. 

Luhan shouldn’t have been so worried, not about Yixing. If there’s anyone in his life who treats him with so much more courtesy and gentleness than he deserves, it’s definitely Yixing. They’re back to texting regularly, maybe even more so than before Luhan had gotten caught up in his own insecurities and stopped talking to him. 

They haven’t called in a while, and Luhan is about to ask him if he’s free, but before he can he gets a text. 

_ Hey, hyung, plans fell through so i can call w u, lmk when ur ready - Sehun _

Luhan sighs heavily. Sehun keeps doing this. Sure, they call much more often now, but every single time Sehun never fails to slip in some sort of reminder that Luhan isn’t his first choice for company. It’s tiny remarks like this one that prick little needles into Luhan’s heart every time they speak. 

It’s not like Luhan can say anything. For one thing, he's fairly certain that Sehun doesn't even notice he's doing it. It wouldn't matter anyway, because Luhan knows he deserves this. He's lucky Sehun is even talking to him again in the first place, all things considered. 

Luhan’s computer pings again, but this time it isn't Sehun who has texted him. 

_ Hey luhannie, wanna call? ( ` ∀ ` ) - Yixing  _

Luhan bites his lip in thought. A year ago the choice would have been obvious, but now it's harder to decide. Calling Sehun still feels special, like he’s meeting a celebrity for the first time or something, but Yixing brings with him a calming presence that Luhan really needs nowadays, a welcome respite from his hectic working life. 

_ Sorry I can't tonight, tomorrow maybe? - Luhan  _

_ Ye, call me whenever - Luhan _

Luhan sighs heavily. Why does it feel like he made the wrong choice? The notification that Sehun is calling him pops up, and as Sehun’s face fills his screen Luhan pushes down the uncomfortable feeling. 

“Hey, hyung.” 

Luhan forces a smile. “Hey, Sehunnie. How have you been?”

“Pretty good.” Sehun ruffles his hair absently, reaching for something just outside the camera’s frame. “Things have been pretty slow lately. A lot of hyungs are in the military.”

Luhan is about to respond when his computer pings again. 

_ Oki luhannie, tmrw works as well ^-^ _

_ u going to sleep now? - Yixing _

Luhan can’t help smiling. Recently, Yixing has been using text emojis with increasing frequency and Luhan’s pretty sure that he’ll be infected with this new form of aegyo soon enough.

_ Nah, i’m talking to sehun rn _

_ I’ll go to bed soon tho _

_ U should sleep xing - Luhan _

“Hyung? Can you hear me?” 

Luhan quickly switches back to the video call screen. Sehun is watching him with his signature blank expression. 

“Yeah, sorry. I was texting Yixing. What did you say?”

Sehun’s frown deepens. “Hyung, isn’t it rude to text someone while you’re calling someone else?”

Luhan can’t help staring at Sehun incredulously for a couple seconds. “Yeah, I guess it is,” he responds slowly. “Sorry, Sehunnie. I’ll pay attention from now on. What were you saying?”

As Sehun continues talking about the movie he’s working on, Luhan surreptitiously checks his messages with Yixing again. 

_ U need more sleep, luhannie _

_ Promise me u wont stay up _

_ Sehun shouldnt stay up either _

_ Night, luhannie _

_ I miss u <3 - Yixing _

Luhan’s chest feels warm, and he can feel the smile on his face get bigger. He nods absently when Sehun stops talking temporarily, and the younger continues on.

_ I’ll try not to xingie _

_ Good night _

_ I miss u too - Luhan  _


	15. Chapter 15

“I just don’t know what to do with his stuff, it’s been like a week and a half.” Luhan balances his phone precariously on the edge of the top of his dresser, reaching underneath to pull out one of the moving boxes he hasn’t touched in years. He blows off the layers of dust. His eyes start to itch, and he can feel his nose twitching. 

“Have you asked him to come to pick it all up?”

“I texted him but-” Luhan sneezes suddenly. Sehun snorts, looking up from his phone towards the screen to grin at Luhan. 

“Oh, shush, Sehun-ah. Like I was saying, I texted him but he hasn’t responded. I think he blocked me, to be honest.” Luhan laughs but it comes out slightly bitter. He isn’t really sure why. 

“So? Didn’t you break up with him anyway? It’s not like he’s going to want to keep in touch.” Something in Luhan’s heart twinges at the words. He never wanted it to go that far, but he did like being just friends with Kris. He says as much to Sehun, and the younger man frowns absentmindedly. “He might like you too much to just be friends, hyung.”

Luhan brushes off an empty cardboard box and balances his phone on the top, carrying them both over to where he’s gathering Kris’s leftover belongings on his couch. 

“I don’t think he likes me very much right now, Sehunnie.”

“Yeah, he probably doesn’t.” Luhan can feel himself begin to pout. He watches Sehun’s brow furrow, concentrating on something on his phone and fiddling with the screen. “Anyways, he’ll probably want his things back eventually, so you’ll see him then if you want to.  _ Do _ you want to?”

Luhan frowns and sits back on his heels to think about it. Imagining trying to face Kris again makes his chest clench tightly, and he shakes his head. “No, I…” 

Sehun snorts again. He’s taken to doing that in lieu of an actual response, and something about the dismissive air he gives off bugs Luhan, makes him feel like Sehun’s not actually listening to him. 

“I don’t think I’ll want to see him for a while. I just feel awful--”

“To be honest, hyung, you were kinda shitty about the whole thing.” Sehun finally looks up from his phone to look at the camera, and his gaze seems to pin Luhan where he sits, not daring to move a muscle. “He needs time and space, and there’s nothing you can really do besides give him those.”

Luhan sighs. “You’re right, you’re right.”

They sit in silence for a while more, Luhan having nothing more to say. The tapping of Sehun’s fingers on his phone becomes steady background noise as Luhan continues to sort out his things from Kris’s. He’s decided to use the opportunity to also get rid of some stuff he hasn’t used in a while, and now his living room is covered in boxes of random nicknacks and clothes he hasn’t seen in forever. 

Unexpectedly, his phone buzzes.

_ Hey, heard Kris and u broke up _

_ He’s sending me to pick up his stuff from your place _

_ What time works? - Tao _

“Huh,” Luhan can’t help but say aloud. “It’s Tao. That’s… weird. I didn’t know he and Kris were in touch…”

“Damn, is he getting Tao to pick up his stuff for him?” Sehun laughs. At this point, Luhan’s mind is racing overtime trying to piece everything together. He nods absentmindedly.

Since when were Tao and Kris in touch? Last he had heard, neither of them was talking to each other, much less hanging out to the point where Tao could drop off Kris’s stuff for him. 

“You must’ve been meaner than I thought if he won’t even come over to pick his stuff up.” Sehun’s voice breaks through to his thoughts. 

Luhan frowns at the half-mocking tone in Sehun’s voice, but the thought that Sehun’s the one who’s meaner than he thought fades away as he types out a reply to Tao. “I didn’t know they talk to each other at all, weird.” 

_ Tao-zi? I didn’t know u and Kris talk _

_ U can come over tomorrow if you’re free _

_ My schedule is clear for the next two days - Luhan _

Sehun shrugs. “Weren’t they close, back in the day? It’s not super surprising.”

Luhan hums in acknowledgment, but the thought still bothers him. Surely he would’ve noticed if Kris and Tao were friends, right? 

Later that day, Tao texts back a simple thumbs-up, and he knocks on Luhan’s door the next morning, right before lunch. 

“Come in!” Luhan calls out distractedly from where he’s sitting, perched between two boxes on the edge of his couch. Tao enters the door to find Luhan’s living rooms absolutely covered in boxes and piles of things. 

“Whoa, I didn’t think he had actually moved in, what’s all this stuff?” 

Luhan looks around, noticing just how crowded the room must seem from an outside perspective and laughs. “Oh no, this is mostly my stuff. I decided to do some cleaning since I have a couple of days off anyways.”

Tao walks further into the room, placing a couple of take-out bags on the counter between the living room and the kitchen. “I brought some ramen, ge.”

“Ooh, ramen sounds good. Kris’s stuff is in the box next to the couch, Tao-zi.” 

Tao throws him a thumbs-up and then starts rummaging through his kitchen drawers for a couple of pairs of chopsticks. 

Soon, the tempting smell of the ramen Tao brought draws Luhan into the kitchen, and he joins Tao at the small kitchen table. It’s been a while since he ate just for the pleasure of eating, and he’s too used to just wolfing his food down without even tasting it. The ramen warms his body from the inside, and when they’re done eating he can’t help but to just sit back and slump into his chair. 

“So I didn’t know you and Kris were in touch, Tao-zi.” Luhan eyes the younger man from where he’s sitting, leaning up against the back of his chair. 

Tao laughs uncomfortably. “We aren’t, really, it was a surprise when he called me.” They sit in silence for a little while, before Tao looks over at him. “What’s the deal, anyway? What happened between you two? Yifan wouldn’t give me any details, but he seemed pretty bummed out.” 

Luhan sighs, and stares down at his hands, twiddling his thumbs absently. “I handled it poorly, Sehun has been telling me how mean I was.”

Tao raises an eyebrow. “I thought you and Sehun weren’t in touch anymore, ge.”

“Eh, we talk. I guess. He’s kind of changed, though?”

“In a good way or a bad way, ge?” Tao leans forward, propping up his chin with a hand. 

Luhan doesn’t mean to, but everything comes spilling out. He explains from the very beginning, late-night calls after he left EXO, when he realized he was in love with the younger boy, and subsequently the drama with Kris outing him. Tao nods and frowns at intervals, but listens quietly for the most part, and Luhan is very grateful for that as he backtracks and struggles to put everything into words. Finally, when he’s done, Tao sits back in his chair with a contemplative look on his face. 

“Damn, that sucks ge.” 

Luhan can’t help but laugh. “Yeah, it kinda does, doesn’t it.” 

Tao folds his hands together, thinking. “Honestly, ge, I think you’ve been idolizing Sehun.”

Luhan frowns, but lets Tao continue. 

“Like, I think you’ve formed this image of him in your head as like, the ideal person, when in reality that isn’t accurate. You said he was the only person you really talked to for a while. Right?”

“Yeah, after I left EXO.”

Tao nods knowingly. “I’ve been in the same position before, ge. It’s super unhealthy for you and for your relationship with the person, though. You gotta try breaking yourself out of that pattern of thinking.”

Luhan rests his forehead in his hands. “How do I even do that though? Like, I don’t even know where to start.” 

“One thing that helped me was to remind myself that the person wasn’t perfect. I’d built up this persona that just didn’t exist, and ignored a bunch of stuff I really shouldn’t have. You could start with just making a list of his faults, or like things that annoy you about him. Everyone has them.”

“Dude, isn’t that like, mean?”

Tao laughs, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s effective, is all I’m saying.”

They sit in silence for a bit longer, and Luhan relaxes back into his seat. The edge of the chair is digging uncomfortably into his thigh, but he can’t bring himself to move. Now that no one is talking, the loudness of Luhan’s heater fills the air. 

Finally, Tao sighs and stands up. “I should head out, I don't want to get back too late. 

Luhan stands as well, gathering their take-out containers to throw away and tossing their dirty chopsticks in the sink for later. “Don’t forget that,” he says, pointing to the box of Kris’s stuff which still lies by the couch. 

Tao hums in acknowledgment and picks it up, slinging his bag back over his shoulder. As he toes on his shoes, Luhan hesitates, a question on the tip of his tongue. 

“If you don’t mind me asking, who were you talking about earlier? You said you’ve been in the same position that I’m in. Do I know them?”

Tao glances up with a guarded look on his face. He seems to consider Luhan for a moment, eyes searching his face for something, although Luhan doesn’t know what. Finally, he answers.

“It was Yifan.”

Luhan can only blink in surprise. “Yifan? Like, Kris?” 

Tao nods begrudgingly. “It was a while ago, okay? I’m over it now, have been for a while, really. But yeah, it was Yifan. Kris.”

Luhan holds the door open for Tao, waving goodbye absentmindedly as the other disappears down the hallway. 

He’s still thinking about it as he washes their cups and chopsticks. Tao and Kris? How had he not noticed that? What else had he missed? Maybe it had happened during the time he was out of touch with both of them. Luhan tries to reason out when it could’ve happened, but gives up quickly. It’s not really his business anyways. Instead, he diverts his thoughts to what Tao had said.

It really does make sense that he has been idolizing Sehun. If he can stop himself from that, maybe he can get over the younger man. Luhan nods his head resolutely to himself. It can’t hurt to try. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi it's been a few months but I'm back and working on this again, as well as some new stuff. I'm also working on a Thomas the Tank Engine/Voldemort crackfic but don't worry about it.
> 
> also SHINEE'S BACK
> 
> ok thanks for reading! We're over halfway done with this story already. Comments/kudos r treasured <3


	16. Chapter 16

Luhan flops onto his bed and stares at the ceiling. He sighs loudly, feeling the tension in his chest dissipate as the air leaves his body. He had  _ not _ expected reorganizing all of his things to take so long. He’s been working since the morning after Tao dropped by, and it’s now well past dinner. 

Over on his desk, Luhan’s computer pings. Luhan debates the pros and cons of actually moving over there. He makes a small, aborted motion towards the side but it just sinks him deeper into the mattress. 

The computer pings again, and Luhan flops out of bed onto the floor, heading towards his desk. He turns on his monitor begrudgingly, but his eyes light up when he sees who has texted him. 

_ Hey, luhannie!  _

_ You free to call tonight? - Yixing _

_ Yes!  _

_ Call whenever - Luhan _

As he waits for Yixing to ring him, Luhan runs a hand through his hair, checking it in the reflection of his monitor. His face looks gaunt and hollow, and Luhan makes a face at himself. He really needs to get more sleep, especially since he has a schedule tomorrow. 

Yixing’s call comes through.

“Hi, Luhannie!” Yixing says as soon as he comes into view. Luhan can’t help but smile, settling into his chair and adjusting the light on his desk. 

“Hi, Yixing. How are you?”

Talking with Yixing is something Luhan does a lot more often in the next few weeks. Yixing isn’t a big texter since he’s always busy with something, but they manage to call at least three times a week, even if it’s only for a half-hour or so. On good days, they’ll call for hours. 

They talk about their days, mostly, and whatever has been happening lately. Yixing has also taken to sending him pictures of his new cats, Luobo and Lulu. Luhan is pretty sure he’s spoiling them, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he just coos over the multitudes of pictures he’s sent and fervently misses his own pets, who currently live with his parents. 

They have these light conversations, but they also talk about much deeper things as well, things Luhan can’t remember ever confessing out loud before. One long night, Yixing tells him more about how difficult it is to feel like he’s part of EXO sometimes, especially as it had been during China’s Korean culture ban. 

In return, Luhan confides in Yixing how lost he felt after leaving EXO. It had been a shock to realize how dependent his social life had been on his working life, and although he kept in touch with a few people from his old life, he’d never been able to lean on them the way he needed to. 

“They just don’t really get it, you know? Like, most of my old friends, they’ve never been out of the country, they aren’t in the entertainment industry. I love them all but,” Luhan sighs, gesturing vaguely with his hands. 

Yixing nods understandingly. “I get what you mean, hyung, that must be difficult.” He smiles cutely at the camera, and Luhan feels an answering smile light his own face. “You can talk to me whenever, though. I’m here for you, Luhannie.” 

“You too, Xingie. Anytime you need to vent, I’m only a call away,” Luhan tries to reassure the younger. 

It’s so nice to be able to talk about things like that to someone who understands. Not just the idol thing, but going to a different country with a different language and trying to make it work. Yixing was  _ there _ when Kris left, and when Luhan decided he needed to do the same for his own survival. Luhan admires him a lot for everything he knows Yixing has gone through.

It’s why he feels comfortable enough, after a while, to tell Yixing about Sehun. 

Yixing looks thoughtful when Luhan is done info-dumping everything about Sehun. Luhan kinda feels dumb, so hung up on what isn’t even a real relationship, just a weirdly intense one-sided crush on someone he hasn’t even talked to in person in years. Luckily, Yixing isn’t the type to ever ridicule him for this. 

“That sounds really difficult, Luhannie.” Yixing’s voice is nothing but sweet, and Luhan can’t help a wry smile in response. “I agree with Tao, you were probably idolizing him. That can lead to some unhealthy stuff.” 

Yixing sounds like he’s talking from experience, but Luhan can’t remember ever having heard about him in a relationship. He reminds himself forcefully that one, there have been many chunks of time when Yixing and Luhan did not talk, and two, he had somehow missed Kris and Tao being in a relationship(??) despite being close with both of them on and off for the past decade. Maybe Luhan’s just incredibly oblivious and hasn’t noticed anything around him. 

“Luhannie? Can you hear me?” Yixing is looking at the screen now worriedly, and Luhan gives himself a shake. He hadn’t even realized he’d tuned out of their conversation. 

“Yeah, yeah I can hear you. Sorry, Xingie.” 

Yixing smiles and waves it off, and Luhan tries his best to stay engaged in their conversation but he’s exhausted. The tiredness from a long day at work and then spilling all of his tangled thoughts about Sehun is really kicking in now, but Yixing is so kind and Luhan doesn’t really want to be alone.

“I wish you were here,” Luhan finds himself blurting out before his tired brain can keep up with his mouth. 

Yixing pauses, surprised, and Luhan belatedly remembers that he was in the middle of a sentence. For a second, he’s afraid it’s going to get awkward and tries to apologize for interrupting, but luckily Yixing just grins at him, shaking his head fondly. 

“I miss you too, hyung. You look so tired now, shouldn’t you go to sleep? What time is it even?” As Yixing turns to check the clock on the desk next to him, Luhan can’t help admiring his profile. It’s a given that the younger is handsome, but he’s never let himself fully appreciate it. 

“You look good, Xingie.”

Yixing turns back to look at him so quickly that Luhan’s half afraid he’ll give himself whiplash. His eyes are wide, and Luhan tries to remember if he said that out loud. He feels his own face screw up in confusion, and he blinks at the screen.

Yixing laughs softly, seeming to get over his shock, and then gives him that fond look. “You really need to go to sleep, hyung. You’re probably not even going to remember this in the morning.”

Luhan wants to protest but trying to form thoughts kind of makes him feel like he’s wading through molasses. Instead, he hums distractedly, and Yixing laughs at him again.

“Alright, Luhannie, go to sleep now. Good night, sleep well, alright?”

“You too,” Luhan thinks he remembers to say, before exiting the call. He vaguely tries to remember if he’s brushed his teeth before giving up and slumping down onto his bed. He’s passed out in mere minutes.

Over the next few weeks his schedule picks up pace again, and Luhan divides his precious free time between Sehun, songwriting, and Yixing. The latter two he can combine, but Sehun still doesn’t like it when Luhan’s doing something else while they’re on call. 

It’s been a while since he’s felt motivated enough to do more than just stare at his computer screen, but he finds himself wanting to be productive along with Yixing. The younger man always seems to be working on 20 different projects at once, and Luhan wants to be able to have something to show him in return for all the samples Yixing has shared of his work. 

In contrast, his conversations with Sehun seem to have stagnated. Luhan feels slightly icky taking Tao’s advice, but he really wants to get over his inconvenient feelings for the younger man. Perhaps then, he can finally explain to Sehun why he hadn’t come out to the younger. He knows that it still bothers Sehun, and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t bother him as well. 

Keeping track of Sehun’s ‘faults’ is really… strange. Luhan isn’t typically a judgemental person, at least not to others. He’s only used to picking at his own flaws meticulously. He finds himself feeling like a vengeful middle schooler, keeping a paper on his desk simply titled “Sehunnie” with a few bullet points underneath that seem more and more petty every time he reads them. 

_ Doesn’t like it when I text others/do things in calls,  _ reads one of them. Is he selfish for wanting to be able to do other things and still spend time with Sehun? Or is Sehun selfish for wanting Luhan’s full undivided attention? Luhan can’t tell anymore. Sehun often checks his phone when they’re in calls, so is he being hypocritical? Or is Luhan just too sensitive to everything Sehun does to objectively judge this?

Either way, there’s not much he can do about it now. It’s completely unproductive for Luhan to let his thoughts spiral endlessly like this; he needs an outsider’s perspective to keep him straight. He kind of feels weird telling Yixing about Sehun, seeing as he knows they’re still in touch, but Tao hasn’t contacted EXO’s maknae in years, as far as Luhan knows anyway. He’ll have to talk to Tao before he goes insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hopefully* updates will be more often nowadays. Imma try to finish this fic asap, so I can go back and edit the whole thing. Lemme know what y'all think of it!


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